How Billy Donovan Kind of Controls My Life Right Now

On May 31, 2007, Billy Donovan accepted the job of head coach of the Orlando Magic, leaving the position of head coach of the University of Florida Mens Basketball Team, which he had coached for 11 years to two National Championships.

On June 2, 2007, Donovan informed both the University of Florida as well as the Orlando Magic that he was having second thoughts about his decision. By June 6, Donovan was released from his contract with the Magic and was once again the head coach at the University of Florida.

What happened on June 1 to make him change his mind?

On the morning of June 1, Donovan held a press conference in Orlando with Magic ownership and management. The mood was jovial, Donovan was dressed in a suit of Magic Blue Black & White, and everything was in place for a new regime. Later that afternoon, Donovan traveled to Gainesville for a farewell press conference for the people at UF. The mood was somber, Donovan was dressed in a generic polo shirt and shorts, and everyone was giving a solemn, but understanding, goodbye. The taste that was left in his mouth was bitter, the lasting memories of the day were of what he was leaving, and he was kept up at night by thoughts and fears that the move he made was not the right one for him. He finally came to the conclusion that however great the opportunities in his future were, he could not just walk away from what was behind him.

I talk about this, because it is a terrific example of how I do not want to plot out my last days here. People keep asking me "Are you excited?" and I'm wondering if the polite answer to that is "Yes," just as I learned a couple months ago that "How are you?" does not actually mean "Tell me how you are." The truth is, I'm not excited. I can't be excited. I understand why I am making this decision, and embarking on this adventure. I know that it is the best thing for me, and there are even moments when I think about certain parts of my life over there and little thrillgasms shoot up and down my spine. But then I calm myself, and remember how I can't get too involved. Not yet.

A tremendous fear of mine is homesickness. I've read that a large portion of each training group is gone after the first few months in Taiwan. Rather than attribute that to the company we're working for, I attribute that to the fact that a lot of the people getting involved aren't prepared to take on all that is involved with moving to Taiwan. And a large portion of that is letting go of what you're leaving behind. I want to be able to say goodbye to what I am leaving before I can say hello to the grand new world around me. Now a lot of this might be me overestimating the changes that I face. After all, I will undoubtedly see everyone again, and who I am is not changing, and by and large the only shift is in window dressing. But I feel like all sides measure equally in this regard. With this in mind, I can't say hello before I say goodbye.

I'm not sure when I'll do that. I don't want it to be awkward to the point where people start just waiting for me to leave like relatives waiting for grandpa to die so they know what days to take off from work. I want it to slightly resemble a small child getting shot with a needle then having a lollipop shoved in his mouth, so that the pleasure masks the pain. Maybe I just haven't had a chance yet, and I don't know when it will come.