Derek "Blog" Davis

I Almost Buy a Prostitute - 3/15

2009-03-14T13:02:00.002-04:00

So I get this message on Skype late on Saturday night, and I use babelfish to follow what the person is saying, and reply to them in English. If you can't speak Chinese, just follow what I say in English, it's pretty easy to understand what is being said.

[12:12:52 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: :PHI.....^^
[12:14:20 AM] Derek! says: Hi!
[12:14:24 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: hi
[12:14:29 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我叫小貝
[12:14:33 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 怎稱呼你勒
[12:14:56 AM] Derek! says: Derek
[12:15:07 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 恩恩
[12:15:13 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你在哪裡呢??
[12:15:34 AM] Derek! says: Taichung. You?
[12:15:41 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 喔
[12:15:51 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我在台中唸書阿彰化人
[12:15:59 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 阿你晚上沒出去玩嗎??
[12:16:50 AM] Derek! says: No, I do not know what to do
[12:16:58 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 是喔
[12:17:22 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 那你要約我ㄇ我有在兼職
[12:17:52 AM] Derek! says: haha, okay
[12:18:18 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 全套性服務
[12:18:26 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 3500
[12:18:27 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 2h
[12:18:48 AM] Derek! says: in Taichung?
[12:18:53 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 黑阿
[12:20:06 AM] Derek! says: I am interested. Will you come to me or do I come to you?
[12:20:30 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 那你電話可以告訴我ㄇ
[12:20:33 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我打給你
[12:20:34 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: ok??
[12:21:20 AM] Derek! says: ok, but I can only speak English
[12:21:39 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你哪裡人??
[12:22:07 AM] Derek! says: I am American, in Taichung
[12:22:19 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 那你電話告訴我
[12:22:21 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我現在打給你
[12:22:25 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: ok?
[12:23:29 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我可以講英文
[12:23:42 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 阿你還是學生嗎??
[12:23:50 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 人勒
[12:24:30 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (think)
[12:24:33 AM] Derek! says: If you can speak English, then please speak
[12:24:39 AM] Derek! says: It will make it easier for me
[12:24:55 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: ok?
[12:25:02 AM] Derek! says: is that all?
[12:25:06 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你行動幾號
[12:25:08 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你行動幾號
[12:25:23 AM] Derek! says: yeah
[12:25:31 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)
[12:25:42 AM] Derek! says: why will you call me?
[12:26:08 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你不是要約我
[12:26:45 AM] Derek! says: I am very important! I am a foreigner and I am rich and I will pay for you.
[12:26:49 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: :|
[12:26:51 AM] Derek! says: I just want to talk first.
[12:27:13 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你電話號碼告訴我阿
[12:27:21 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我現在打給你
[12:28:31 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你看不懂中文喔
[12:29:03 AM] Derek! says: not if you say it with your mouth
[12:29:06 AM] Derek! says: I can read chinese
[12:29:23 AM] Derek! says: but I need you to say English
[12:29:34 AM] Derek! says: I will pay more for English
[12:29:37 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: :|
[12:29:44 AM] Derek! says: 5000
[12:29:45 AM] Derek! says: 2h
[12:29:58 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 那你的電話號碼
[12:30:01 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 告訴我
[12:30:06 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我現在ｃａｌｌ　　ｙｏｕ
[12:30:09 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: ｏｋ
[12:30:55 AM] Derek! says: why can we not talk here though?
[12:31:04 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: [上午 12:34:13] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ 說 : 那你的電話號碼
[上午 12:34:15] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ 說 : 告訴我
[上午 12:34:21] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ 說 : 我現在ｃａｌｌ　　ｙｏｕ
[上午 12:34:23] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ 說 : ｏｋ
[12:31:23 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我沒ｍｉｃ
[12:31:30 AM] Derek! says: oh, ok
[12:31:33 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你電話不告訴我嗎
[12:31:43 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:38 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:39 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:39 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:40 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:40 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:42 AM] Derek! says: OKAY!!!
[12:32:44 AM] Derek! says: jeez
[12:32:45 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:45 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:45 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:45 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:45 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: (mp)(mp)？？？
[12:32:52 AM] Derek! says: 0936983878
[12:33:14 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你來台灣多久阿
[12:33:38 AM] Derek! says: 2 months
[12:33:47 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: :^)
[12:33:52 AM] Derek! says: what?
[12:34:12 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 那你會說中文嗎
[12:34:33 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我要告訴你喔　第一次我不方便收你身上的現金
[12:34:38 AM] Derek! says: No, many people know English
[12:34:43 AM] Derek! says: I only use English
[12:34:47 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 那你台灣的提款卡嗎
[12:35:07 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你有台灣ａｔｍ提款卡嗎
[12:35:21 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 第一次要在事後用提款卡提領給我
[12:35:42 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: ｏｋ？
[12:36:15 AM] Derek! says: yeah, ok
[12:37:11 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 對了
[12:37:23 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 如果你可以先付錢給我的話
[12:37:26 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我可以去找你
[12:37:48 AM] Derek! says: You do not know where to find me
[12:38:13 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 你台中靠近哪
[12:38:38 AM] Derek! says: ok, how much must I pay you?
[12:39:05 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 我是說你先轉給我　　我在過去找你喔
[12:39:12 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: ５０００　　陪你過夜ｏｋ？？
[12:39:33 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: 阿你不加入我為ｓｋｙｐｅ好友嗎
[12:39:37 AM] Derek! says: I said 5000 if you speak English!
[12:39:47 AM] Derek! says: You don't speak English
[12:39:50 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: ｏｋ
[12:41:59 AM] Derek! says: so will I get to meet you or no?

At this point, I finally get a call, from a girl who starts with 'Hi! I am Xiao Bei...' in a really sweet high pitched voice. You know, like someone who wants to get you all horny, then take your money. Wasn't happening with me, especially when she started INSISTING I prepay by card. Eventually someone else called her, who I assume was her pimp, or whatever person was speaking Chinese before. You'll notice she magically speaks English now.

[12:47:32 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: hi
[12:47:35 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: are u there
[12:47:46 AM] Derek! says: yeah
[12:47:56 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: what do u think
[12:48:03 AM] Derek! says: I am very interested
[12:48:25 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: but you need pay me first,as long as i recieve it ,,i can meet u
[12:48:30 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: but no cash
[12:48:53 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: coz it is not convenience to recieve cash from u
[12:49:04 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: hope u can understand
[12:49:09 AM] Derek! says: yes, I understand
[12:49:42 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: so can u transfer it to me? but u have no bank card
[12:49:47 AM] Derek! says: right
[12:50:02 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: so ....what to do?
[12:50:35 AM] Derek! says: I guess I will just be lonely
[12:50:40 AM] Derek! says: Or, I can offer you more money
[12:51:23 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: only if you pay me first,,so that i am ready to meet u
[12:51:45 AM] Derek! says: I can pay you $10000 in cash
[12:52:08 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: but....
[12:52:29 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: i am a little worried,,i am just a little girl still studying
[12:52:51 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: and i prefer u pay me first
[12:52:53 AM] Derek! says: I will give it to you before we leave, you can put the money away, keep it, anything you want, and then we can go
[12:53:36 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: or you can ask your friend to help u,,then u give your cash to your friend,,is that ok?
[12:54:01 AM] Derek! says: I am very lonely here. I have no friends.
[12:54:03 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: if next time,,u still wana see me,,i can recieve the cash
[12:54:20 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: but the first time,,i cant
[12:55:06 AM] Derek! says: can i see your picture first?
[12:55:26 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: you should add me,,so that i can send it to u
[12:55:32 AM] Derek! says: okay
[12:55:58 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ 傳送一個檔案 "12.bmp" 給聊天室所有成員

[12:56:15 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ 傳送一個檔案 "08.jpg" 給聊天室所有成員

[12:56:25 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ 傳送一個檔案 "03.jpg" 給聊天室所有成員

[12:58:01 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: so....
[12:58:09 AM] Derek! says: oh
[12:58:10 AM] Derek! says: um
[12:58:12 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: i am 22 years old
[12:58:17 AM] Derek! says: yeah
[12:58:27 AM] Derek! says: I'm sorry, I just don't think you are very pretty
[12:59:03 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: ok
[12:59:09 AM] Derek! says: you are too fat for me
[12:59:14 AM] ♦〃ⓛⓞⓥⓔ 樂真*甜心派﹏。★ says: good night
[12:59:18 AM] Derek! says: good night

Singapore 1/24-1/31

2009-02-10T09:44:00.002-05:00

Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Singapore? So I show up about 7 or so at night, and as I'm getting off the plane, I notice that damn, they have the heater on high in the airport. Then I realize it's about 25 degrees hotter here than Taiwan. I make my way through the airport without the soulcrushingly draconian procedures I expected from a country banning chewing gum, and wander my way through the airport and MRT to the area around my hostel. This is the Malaysian part of Singapore, but all I can tell it is is Asian Muslims. Like, mannequins wearing burqas in store windows and everything. I check in, drop my stuff, then go for a walk around the neighborhood. Weird in some ways, too, though, like I'm pretty sure the reason all the bars around the hostel required foreigners to have a valid passport to enter were because they were technically also brothels. I'm really hungry, but reluctant to actually stop somewhere to eat for fear of being the dumbass white guy interrupting what looks like a bunch of large groups enjoying their weird food on plastic patio furniture outside. Eventually, I stop at a 24-hour Muslim eating area and order something that I can vaguely tell how to pronounce. Still, I was wrong, and I can't understand a damn thing the guy is saying to me. This will be a running joke. People can understand me perfectly, but it takes at least one repetition for me to understand Singlish. I sit and have some kind of bread thing with some kind of gravy and hope like crazy I don't stand out. I never imagine I'll piss off the Taiwanese, but here I'm surrounded by a bunch of Muslims that I have zero cultural insight toward. I did my best to stay away after that. I went back to the hostel, read, and went to sleep.

I woke up early the next day and set out due south. I didn't know exactly where I was going, but I knew there would eventually be a beach and sooner in that direction than any other. I made it to find the beach slap jammed full of people and tents. I don't know if these people just lived on the beach or were vacationing because it was the day before Chinese New Year, but there were huge whole families barbecuing and stuff. I passed numerous bike shops, but didn't want to stop because I liked walking a little, settling down and reading by the ocean, then repeating. Eventually, the people became less and less, until all I saw were fishermen and cool secluded empty beaches. Then I found myself at the end of the beach park, headed on a path toward the next beach park, about 7 km away. I got about 1 km into it before I realized I didn't actually have the stomach to walk another 6 km (by this point, I had walked about 12 km). I turned off the path toward what I thought would be the city. Actually, it was a rural highway next to the airport. Eventually, the sidewalk ran out and I was walking through closed construction sites. Taking the direction I assumed would bring me back to my original path, I walked along a river until I hit a barbwire fence... on the other side of which was my path back to the beach. I walked along the fence and found myself in a golf course. Searching for some kind of way out, I kept imagining people seeing a tall skinny white guy in a blue t-shirt carrying a backpack and calling security to come and track me down. I gave up and turned around, walking back through the golf course, along the river, and taking a different direction hoping it would lead me to something, which it did. I saw some men shrimping in the river and for a small second considered stealing one of their bikes, but decided against. I was now walking along a highway. At least I wasn't alone, as I could tell from the McDonalds bags and broken open coconuts that other people took this walk for whatever reason. Incredibly long story short, I made it back to the path I was on before, took another path that luckily went by a bus interchange. I made it back home burned and exhausted. I slept for a few hours, and crazy aching but also knowing I wouldn't have a chance like this again, went out to Chinatown for the New Year festivities. Its crazy, but I was way more content speaking Chinese there than here. Perhaps because at least I can understand some of the time when people speak Chinese, as opposed to if I were speaking English with them. Anyway, it was interesting, I saw some dragon dancers, loud fireworks, and was covered in shredded red paper flying from above. Had some noodles and a porkchop then came home for a nice long rest.

I spent the next morning wandering around downtown before heading to the riverfront area. It was really pretty there with cool bridges (which I'm a sucker for) and weird statues culminating in the Merlion. While I was looking around, I heard someone say "Happy New Year." I say thank you to the man, small and dark in a black turban. He walks to be and says "You will have a long life." "I hope so." "You like people, but are sometimes misunderstood." "Sometimes." "I am fortune teller. Come with me, I will tell you future." Politely I follow him about ten feet then realize this is how people lose their money or die and head off across a bridge. He didn't look back the whole ten feet I walked behind him, so I assume he didn't look back to see me scuttling away. He should have seen it coming anyway, right? After that, I took the MRT over to the Orchard commercial area. Most everything was closed down for the holiday, but I just wanted to see what it looked like really, I didn't care for the shopping. I hopped a bus that inspired me later to just sit on top of a double decker for a cheap city tour all the way to Haw Par Villa. I really didn't know what to expect from this place, but it met and exceeded my wildest dreams. The park itself was free, aside from a $1 entrance fee for the small area called the Ten Gates of Hell. I assume the money went toward the lighting used there, because I can guarantee not much is budgeted for upkeep of the place. Anyway, the ten gates is an exhibit showing a diorama of little stone people and monsters leading you through the ten levels of punishment for sinners, being cut in half, impaled, burned or frozen alive, having your tongue cut out, etc. Brilliant. Much of the rest of the park was presented like this, with statues showing Chinese fables, but I didn't pay as much attention to the stories as I did to the freaky freaky statues. Those statues not showing stories were simply exercises in whimsy, including various animals with crazy facial expressions, a garden of mermaids and/or clams with human heads, the statue of liberty, a giant obese Buddha, a dangerously emaciated Buddha, Sumo wrestlers, giant-headed Tiger Balm statues, etc. Exploring there was one of my favorite parts about being there, mostly because I think I am the only person who would enjoy it in the way I did. I went back to the hostel for my daily nap, then went back out to take my aforementioned city tour and ended up at a nice mall where I saw a boy fill a large Carls Jr. soft drink cup with hot coffee and no top and try to cross the food court without tragedy. I never saw if he made it safely all the way back to his table. I like to imagine if he didn't.

The next day, I went off to the Singapore Zoo. I was bothered by how many people were there early on while I was there, but eventually cooled down and realized I wasn't in any rush. This gave me a much better perspective for the sake of seeing cool stuff and not rushing off to whatever was next. I got to see a family of rhinos for serious fighting with what I guess was an outsider rhino (like for serious getting underneath him with their horns and lifting him off of his feet), lions at feeding time, flying squirrels gliding around my head, etc. Ultra enjoyable is what it was. Even after that, I still had enough time to hop a bus and MRT back to the hostel and get in my daily nap before taking the same trip back to a separate park next to the zoo called Night Safari, which is exactly what you think it is, only cooler. There were numerous free-range exhibits where the animals weren't penned in as the safari car passed and they'd just roll on by. There was very little artificial light, and that was only amplified by the guide's awesome presentation, with whispers and whatnot. I got huffy and brusque with multiple Japanese families for whom I had to show how to turn the flash off of a camera. All told, a fantastic night.

The next day was the day I was told stuff would start opening back up after Chinese New Year, so that was when I went to see what Chinatown was like during the day. It was nice, but more residential than I was expecting. I had some barbecued deer and got a haircut, then went to Little India. Place was crazy for cheap stuff, so many places advertised 'the lowest prices in Singapore!' right down the street from one another. I drank coconut milk out of a coconut and had some super excellent Indian food and bought some super cheap/awesome sunglasses. I then went to Arab St., which was wholly underwhelming. It didn't have nearly any food, and mainly was there to sell tourists expensive Persian rugs. Boring stuff. I went back and had my nap before heading back out to the riverside area to see it at night. A lot more populated, but also that kind of manufactured touristy expensive sponge of vice feel that I don't dig too much. Still, there was a lantern festival floating on the river which was fun to look at. It all was pretty, really.

The next day I woke up early and rented a bike from my hostel to head back to the beach and finally complete the trek I tried a few days before. I made it from my hostel to the point where I had turned back days before within an hour, which had me very excited. I definitely couldn't have walked it, because a large majority of the trail between the parks was just along the side of the airport, but the bike made stuff so much easier, especially when I got to the park, where there were areas where you could bike right next to the ocean, and the waves would break against the sides and spray you as you're biking. I noticed during this time that my eyes were burning a little, which reminded me of my trip to Puli, except that was on a scooter. I didn't think a bicycle could dry them out that much, could it? I hopped on a bumboat, which is a cool little people-moving boat, like a rickety water taxi that goes between Singapore and the island of Pulau Ubin. The island was very intact, to the point that all it really had were biking trails and people there renting bikes and selling drinks. I had great fun biking all around the place, up and down the island trails, really proud of myself that I could climb a lot of areas where other people had to get off and push. There was a boardwalk set up for walking just off the coast of the island and through some coral and mangrove forests growing out of the ocean floor, all of which I loved. As I was doing this, though, I had to keep covering my face from other people because my eyes were so dried out from the biking and the sun that I looked to all the world like I was crying like crazy. I had to just take pictures and take solace I would be able to appreciate what I saw later because it hurt so much to open my eyes for any significant amount of time. Eventually, I couldn't take it any more and hopped a bumboat back to Singapore, biking back across both parks with my eyes burning like mad, only to get lost again as soon as I tried to leave the last park. I have to say, though, that DAMN there were some attractive people on that beach. I'm not even mostly talking about the women. The men there put me to shame, where before I'd thought, hey, I might have an alright body (at least I'm not fat), but nah, not good enough. Anyway, I stayed in that night- not only was I burned and exhausted again, but my eyes needed to recuperate.

The next day I went off to the Bird Park. I was told it would be the more mature and entertaining option than the Zoo. Perhaps I'm just immature, but I preferred the zoo. Still, it was really cool and I got to get very close with a lot of birds way more exotic than I had ever seen before. Also, on the way there, I got into an interestingly embarrassing conversation with an Indian family. As soon as I said I was from America, they all just said "Obama. Obama. Obama. Obama." and asked me about my politics and such. They were amazed I was traveling alone, especially so young. They asked if I was married, and why I wasn't. Bad idea: Saying a lot of people who get married when they are young get divorces and I don't want to make a mistake. Also bad idea: Telling a man who introduces me to his wife that she is beautiful and he is a lucky man. After I left the bird park, I went back and didn't have time to nap before the horse races started, which was my next stop. I didn't want to miss it, because it only happens once a week and I've never seen horse races before. I didn't know it would be my last night there, but I don't mind that it was in retrospect. At one point, I was sitting in front of the track sipping an iced Milo and reflecting on how kind of amazing it is that I made it this far all on my own. I didn't do any gambling, because I can't figure out how to place bets without a computer screen in front of me. All the same, it was fun to explore and lean across the rail and yell at horses with all the people who actually did have money on them. Then I went back.

It was on Saturday morning that I woke up for a second and thought 'I should check to make sure my ticket is for tomorrow' like I thought. It didn't matter, as that was about 10AM and my flight had already been gone for 2 hours. I ended up getting up at 12 and only then noticed how screwed I was. I quickly packed and checked out and ran off to the airport. The nice man at the counter gave me a choice of getting on the same flight to Taipei the next day, or taking a flight to Kaohsiung leaving in 30 minutes. I did reflect on the fact that the flight to Taipei would have been exactly what I had been expecting to do, but I didn't have anything big planned for the day, and I had never been to Kaohsiung, so why not opt for the adventure? I raced to the gate, got on, got off at Kaohsiung, followed the signs to the Kaohsiung MRT, to Kaohsiung Main train Station, and felt my way through buying a train ticket to Taichung. The ticket didn't have a platform number, so I just walked out to the platforms and saw a train that said it was going to Taichung and got on. About 3 hours later, the train was empty and stopped in a city I had never heard of, on a track that I noticed led toward Taitung, on the complete opposite side of the island from where I wanted to be. A security guard asked where I was going, and when I told him he gave me an awesome "TAICHUNG?!" He quickly shuffled me to a train headed in the opposite direction. 2 hours later, the train terminated in Kaohsiung, so there I was again, only now it was super-late, something like 11PM. There weren't any more trains to be caught at the train station and I knew if the Singapore MRT only operated until midnight, the Kaohsiung wouldn't be going for much longer. I hopped on to see if I could make it over to the High Speed Rail station, and if it would maybe be running still. It wasn't, and I just made it off the MRT when everything closed down for the night. So there I was, stranded, with no options for getting around except a man walking up to me and saying a word I didn't understand. I was on the phone with a friend trying to help me get somewhere when I looked up and asked him 'Taxi?', which was what he was trying to say to me! My friend told him to take me to the bus station, which was actually more than accommodating. About 4AM, I rolled into Taichung, thanks be to God.

Changhua 10/4

2008-10-29T12:58:00.003-04:00

This is really a story of my first real day with a scooter, but as I went to Changhua, that's what I'll title it.

I woke up early like I do on Saturdays, went to school and taught from 10-12. I had just picked up my scooter the afternoon before right before I had to teach from 4-9, so I never had a whole lot of time to get out and stretch my road legs until this moment. I had no idea where I was going, I just got up and drove, and it felt wonderful. I had been living for about 2 1/2 months walking everywhere I cared to go, and this was a level of freedom I hadn't felt since I was in America.

Generally following whatever turns I felt like led me to the busiest road in Taichung, which in recollection I realize isn't the best way to learn, among about 15 other scooters zipping 40 km/hr in 60m stretches between cars and buses and about 3 inches between all of us. Oh well, I made it through, and I got very deep satisfaction when for once, finally, I got out of the density of the middle of the city and actually had green on both sides of me. Then I ran out of gas.

I won't go into all the ways I have to justify it, I just missed the fact that scooter shops will leave as little gas as possible in the tank so they don't have to pay for it (but they'll give you so much crap for free when you actually buy the scooter, which is weird). Anyway, there I was, wheeling my empty scooter down the busiest road in Taichung (I've come to the understanding that I just have to give up my dignity most times I'm in public here). I finally make it to the gas station, the attendant comes to pump my gas, I point at the grade I want, and he's done in 15 seconds. This blows my mind, because I'm used to pumping for 5 minutes and it costing $80US. Here, I pay $5. I rode back to my apartment in suspicious disbelief. Time for a nap.

When I wake up, its night. I decide to go for a joyride, so I start driving, intending to follow a road to its end, then picking a direction and going. Problem is, the road I pick doesn't seem to end, but rather goes in numerous turns and twists and swings where I just have to remember to always do what the person ahead of me does. Before I know it, I'm surrounded by farmland and honest to goodness starlight. The English road signs tell me the road I'm headed is toward Changhua, and I remember my friend Ariel lives in Changhua, so I follow, and after about 30 minutes in which I develop my new hobby- learning Chinese by way of street signs- I make it into Changhua proper. Outside of seeing my first live Betel Nut girls, there's not much to say about Changhua. I take a random turn and find myself running into a big closed temple and, knowing that Changhua is home to the world's biggest Golden Buddha, I assume it's behind the steel shutters.

I stop and call Ariel. Turns out she lives pretty close to the Buddha, but is just out of the shower and is effectively out for the evening (I should call ahead next time). I pick up a Pepsi (Saturday ritual, ask me about it sometime) at the Family Mart and turn back around and drive home the way I came. One might say I did nothing with my first day of freedom, but I disagree.

How Are You?

2008-09-18T12:53:00.002-04:00

Knock on wood.

This isn't that great of a travel blog. I never go anywhere, I don't have a camera, I don't talk all that much about things that I do, I prefer what I see. My existence is kind of like that. I'm a sponge. I like to soak.

But the least I can do is let people know how my life has been. When people ask me, I usually say pretty alright, and that's true (though I sometimes wonder how well native Taiwanese understand what it means). Life is alright. I have some problems, but I think I'm happier here than I would be at home. If I were there, I would probably be wondering what kind of better things I could be doing than what I was doing, and that's really my only bad moments here. So it's all good.

First, where I work. There are people in Taiwan who will yell and scream and foam at the mouth to no end at how much they hate the idea of working for Hess. Personally, I am a big big fan of it. I get paid enough, they are very reliable with anything they promise, and the people I work with are all fantastic. I know for a fact that I could have it much worse other places, and plus I'm just not one for complaining. Perhaps I just got lucky with my specific branch of Hess. If so, I don't care, I'm not going to say another word for fear that it's all just a dream!

Another thing is I couldn't have had an easier landing with any other company. Even beyond the 10-day stay in a Taipei hotel during training and the free transport to Taichung, my boss in effect became my personal translator and chauffeur around Taichung to get me settled in my first days here. She helped me get my apartment, my phone, my internet, my bank account, she's helping me get a scooter, etc.

As for the job itself, its very fun and easy once you've done it a few times. All the classes are structured the same way, so I can nearly always be prepared for a class in 30 minutes, if not less. My students are all fantastic, and it's really fun getting to know them. I'm doing my best to be silly and energetic to keep them interested. Two reasons for this, really- 1. They've been in school all day, and it's gotta be easy to get bored eventually. 2. The more entertained they are, the more likely they will tell their parents to give the company more money. I'm a company man.

My apartment is nice enough. It came with an orange and blue couch. When I was looking at apartments, I was looking for signs that this was the one for me, and that was it. It also has what I call an ultra-efficiency bathroom. The toilet is next to the sink, built into the counter, and the shower head sprays into the sink. For the first time in my life, no tub. None of the places I saw had one. Sigh, sacrifices. Its on the 11th floor of a 28 floor building, which means I'm one of the few rooms without a good view. I basically overlook an old abandoned pool. Beyond that, though, I can see the mountains, so that's cool on a clear day.

Something I've done more than anything else is just go out and get lost. Its fun. It also means I get to explore the area around me. I like to call it the wedding district, because there are, no exaggeration, 5 blocks of stores just catering to people looking to get married. From planners, to photographers, to bakeries, to a store that I think solely sells balloon animals. When they're feeling extra aggressive and I have my windows open, I can hear the sounds of wedding marches playing from the street. I mentioned Taichung Park before, and that's also close, and it impressed me more than most things the first time I saw it, with so much different landscaping and architecture, etc. Its just really cool, especially against the backdrop of the city. It has a huge statue of a ram, too, which I amazingly only noticed on my 3rd time there. Next to it is a night market where I slowly am learning more and more about how to order food. I can get a corn dog painted over with ketchup for 50cent, or any number of sandwiches or fried things for not much more.

I'm meeting more and more people every day, and I'm learning that I do indeed like Taiwanese people. Its hard in these early days to build a cohesive social life, so I'm liking that I have people to talk to, and grateful for every friend that I make. I also have a full weekend for the first time in I don't know how long this weekend!

There isn't much that I don't like. It is very frustrating when the locals want to be lazy. Also, people who like to sleep in the sidewalk are annoying. You'll find either of those in any major city, though. It has been a hassle getting a scooter, and I'd like to get out more, but I can't until I do, or face walking miles in hotter than florida weather. That got old after a couple weeks. I wish I had done more traveling, but I know I will start soon. Maybe next weekend? Actually, almost assuredly next weekend. I'll get a camera soon too.

I think that's everything. If anyone wants to know something, ask and I'll write at length on it.

Connection

2008-09-12T15:52:00.002-04:00

On and off, I've had internet access for the past 15 or so years of my life. It was actually a very big component of my researching and preparing and traveling to Taiwan. Simply put, its vital to me, and, as I've learned over the past month, I actually begin to feel like less of who I am if I have to live without it.

In my first few weeks here, when I was staying in hostels and hotels, I never much had to go without it, which was great for getting in touch with people back home and keeping up with things during the little downtime I had. Mentally I've been preparing for this for a while, so I recognized I wouldn't have the same life and attachments as I did before, and I was well able to wean myself off of a lot of the less important aspects of the internet that I was a fan of before, in addition to really the less important aspects of life that I had to separate myself from.

That being said, there were a small number of things that I recognize I couldn't in good conscience separate myself from, the first of which is communication. I have to be able to get in contact with my family and friends, for obvious reasons. Yet, my first days in my new apartment were really an exercise in creativity. I'd left my final hotel without letting anyone know that I was moving in the next day and that I might have a bit of radio silence.

Once I moved in I tried on to pick up a stray wifi feed, but had no luck. One night, however, I picked up a tiny signal of a secured network, which sparked me to put my computer in any number of odd positions. I found that I got the best signals from about 5 different networks if I pressed my computer against my window facing the street. Still, they all were secured. I was blown away by one of them, though, when I tried to connect to it and a 'New Email' alert popped up from Thunderbird. I was finally able to receive email! Thinking about it for some time, I realized that Thunderbird gets email on a SMTP Protocol and while I'm getting logon screens every time I open my browser, maybe thats because I'm using HTTP Protocol? Well, I tested it out using the address of a FTP I like to use, and... Success! Whats more, I realized that if I access Gmail through a HTTPS Protocol, I can get access to other Google features like Reader, and instantly I'm back connected to my news. Same with Meebo, giving me access to IMs. I think the feed was from the Taichung City Council building, which is across the street, and to which I am totally grateful.

Still, it wasn't enough. In addition to communicating with home, the other absolutely vital thing that I refuse to release is my love of football. I had a Fantasy Football draft at about 9AM one morning that I couldn't just miss. So one night I set off computer in hand to stroll around downtown Taichung and find an open wifi network that I would be able to use. I figured Taichung Park would be a good starting place, as its huge and popular. It took me an hour of exploring and false hope, but I finally found one, near the dumpsters, behind the Taichung Symphony building. I was so starved for access at that point that I spent more than an hour there just blindly catching up on stuff. I was annoyed by bugs, though. Oh, and by people walking through the park who would walk by and stare at me, or the really friendly ones who would walk up to me just to peer over my shoulder at what I was looking at. I left but was happy to find a place that I could use.

The next night, I was restless so I decided to go out at 2AM to make sure the wifi was still working there. I figured that it being so late, there would be less people to bother me in the park. I also figured that, at hearing that I went to a public park alone at 2AM, people wouldn't look at me like I was crazy. I was wrong on both accounts. What actually happened was infinitely more annoying, because while there were fewer people, the ones that were there were a whole lot friendlier. The first man who approached me and started talking to me in Chinese eventually walked away after a couple minutes of my Big Dumb Foreigner Smile. The second man was far more persistent, however, to the point where I just got fed up with it and left. On my way home, I reflected on how there were far more people there than I expected, and how they were all men, and how I've never lived in a big real city with a big real park before.

They were trying to have sex with me.

The next morning was my draft and I went back to find an obstacle that I stupidly hadn't taken into account: old people. Dancing, and doing tai chi. Right in the middle of my wifi. I scurried all around the area trying to pick it up again, with zero luck.

I should mention that the first floor of my building is an internet gaming cafe. Yeah, just going there would make things infinitely simpler (and it did), but walking past that place every day and looking in the windows, I got glimpses of a culture wholly different from my own, one which would take a while to understand. People hunched over in cushy chairs bleary-eyed if not outright asleep while cups of fluorescent liquids sit beside them. Individual carrels with big-screen computers. Hourly prices in chunks of up to 13 at a time. I ended up rolling in and saying 2 hours in English and feeling my way through getting what I wanted for buying a $1 cup of water. I've been back for subsequent drafts and UF football games, to the point where I still just feel my way through it, this time with a little more Chinese (Wuge Xiaoshi. Lu cha. Xie xie.) I get such a kick out of being a wide-grinning, cheering honky for my football team among a sea of game-faced asian boys.

But now I'm here. After I got my residency, I applied for my internet, and had a lot of my worst moments during the three weeks waiting for it to actually get processed through, constantly calling and having expectation after expectation be shattered. Its all over now, and I finally feel connected to the sea of information that has brought me to this point and will propel me toward whatever future I build here.

Mr. Press

2008-08-23T19:10:00.000-04:00

Note: For any number of reasons, I'm not going to be talking about any individual people I've met since I've been here. Except in special cases.

I first noticed Rick long before I got to Taiwan. Someone found a list of all of our training group's email addresses, and invited all of us to a facebook group. Rick ran with it. He tried to friend everyone, and I accepted (reluctantly, mostly just because I was trying to be as friendly as I could be). He only wrote on my wall once. I didn't respond to it, because he didn't say anything of much substance. I saw that when people responded to him, he would reciprocate, to an extreme degree. On the group, he would fill 3, 4, 5 boxes at once in discussions. He was very active.

When I checked in to the hotel, I saw that I was rooming with him and thought "Oh, fantastic." When I met him, I shook his hand, and we started talking. He was walking ahead of me while we were talking, and found himself walking into a corner because he was too distracted to watch where he was going.

Some highlights of the first conversation:

(Keep in mind, THE FIRST CONVERSATION)

"I probably said goodbye to my father for the last time"

"Why's that?"

"He has cancer, and I just figure that by the time I get back, he'll be dead."

-----

"I wanted to get away. I caught the girl I was with cheating on me with a rich guy."

I remember he also threw in something about a pregnancy scare with her, but I can't quite recall it. So early in our relationship, and I was already tuning him out.

----

"There's a girl I'm wanting to meet here. She's a model for guitars and I play guitars, so its like perfect, you know?"

I wasn't special. He talked like this with pretty much everyone he met. Keep in mind, 60 people, not including the trainers. That's a lot of first impressions, which he was the king of, mostly because your first impression of him was exactly what you would get at any other time. For one lucky individual, he even threw in the fact that the pregnancy scare involved him slipping a morning after pill into his (I think) ex-wife's coffee. Luckily, it didn't take, as she was pregnant, and subsequently lost the baby.

Nearly every night he would stay up until 2, 3, 4 in the morning talking on the computer to women he met through myspace or facebook. After a while, this got REALLY annoying, especially because he would talk to me too. Even when I had headphones in. He would just talk. I don't think it mattered if I was there.

He would talk about pretty much 2 things: 1) The women he wanted to hook up with and 2) how much he hated Hess. Sometimes the two would mix, like when we were getting called by our branch bosses. These were important calls, and we were required to be in our rooms when we got them, as our bosses are busy enough as it is, and we needed to talk about how life would be when we left training. Tragically, he had arranged to meet up with the guitar girl on the exact night he needed to be in the room. He said he got into an argument with the trainers over this.

He showed up for the first day of training in a bright orange buttoned shirt and crushed velvet blazer.

He had already made plans to live with one of the guys he became pretty good friends with over facebook. About 3 days after they met, the other guy decided he'd rather live alone.

He walked behind a guy into the bathroom and as the guy went into the stall and turned around to close the door, Rick stood there and said "So, whats up?" There wasn't anything dirty meant by that. That's just how he said hi.

Apparently he built a lot of his personality by living in Amsterdam. By living, I mean living on the streets, playing guitar. There's a mythical YouTube video of him playing the Baywatch theme song -badly- on the streets of Amsterdam. He once raised his hand during training to point out that he had found a David Hasselhoff CD in his bag. That's all.

Right before one of our demos, most people had stayed up late working planning their first times teaching and everyone was nervous, one of the trainers asked if anyone in the group had a good joke to break the mood with. Rick was the only one who raised his hand. His joke: Teaching is a lot like sex. In the beginning, its awkward and robotic and might not feel very good, but the more you do it, the better it feels. That's all. Yeah, I was the only one laughing. If anyone ever wants to know my sense of humor, its moments like that.

I spent maybe 2 hours on each of my demos and I did fine. Rick worked on his pretty late in the night and even after he woke up and was horrific. I quote one of his group members as saying the observer "ripped Rick apart" in his second one. Apparently, he would just go up and spend time talking about his time in Amsterdam, often in terms not so appropriate for the classroom. He defended himself by saying when he had taught before "it was a lot more freeform." He said that a lot.

On the nights before the demos, I heard varying reports of him walking up to people who were working on theirs and interrupting them with complaints about Hess, not following Maslow's hierarchy of needs and giving us more time off (a typhoon gave us one more day off than we should have had), and how he had to be at the hotel to work on the demo when "I could be having awesome sex right now."

After his second demo, Rick was pulled out of the room by the trainers. I could see him talking with them outside. He looked back inside at no one in particular and smiled while giving a thumbs-down. Someone announced to the group at the end of the day that Rick had asked to leave (other people left early with no mention). We got outside and Rick said he was pissed because it certainly wasn't his decision to leave. Hess gave him that night to stay in the hotel and a pre-made letter with suggestions of where he could stay and where he could work if he didn't want to leave Taiwan (I love the strategy- he sucks here, so send him to the competition).

I know what it feels like to be the one outsider in a large group, and I hate all the times when I've fucked up and nobody wants to speak truth to me and let me know what the problem is, so that night I broke my silent treatment to him and let him know in no uncertain terms just where he rubbed people the wrong way (understatement). He was receptive, and hopefully he remembered later, in whatever he did. I just thought it odd that I was lecturing someone six years older than me, but I guess I really am an expert in some things.

The next morning, I woke him up to let him know the head of Hess HR was at the door to talk to him about getting his documents back to him. As we were leaving training that day, someone let me know he was outside the Hess building. My first thought: Is he yelling? My second thought: Does he have his stuff with him? (I was eager to get the room to myself) He said he was just there to say goodbye to some people in the group who were nice to him. And that's where I left him. Sadly, my last thought upon leaving him was 'There, but for the grace of God, go I.'

People have asked me what happened to him. I wish I knew. He said he was going to move into the hostel across the street from the hotel, but that was weeks ago. He deleted his facebook account, which might mean only good things.

The Ambassador

2008-08-23T19:09:00.000-04:00

A few weeks before I got here, I read a post on Forumosa.com that asked the people there why, if they complain about Taiwan so much, they are still here. One response simply read "Beer and pussy."

Halfway through training, we had a day off. The trainers passed out lists of different bars and restaurants and clubs we might want to visit that night. They followed this with the only time I saw them all be completely serious. They urged us to show restraint and compose ourselves as representatives of our company and our home nations.

There's a Dave Chappelle bit where he explains that, independent of the fact that he is a black man, he really enjoys fried chicken. He feels terribly conflicted, however, because he knows that if he were ever to go into a KFC and be seen by a white person, the white person would think "Look at him. He loves it."

There is a perception among a percentage of the native people here that all foreigners are alcoholic jerks who come to Taiwan to get drunk and take advantage of females, using them then throwing them away. They only ever eat at McDonalds and they only ever drink Taiwan Beer (because it is the cheapest). They are unable to find a job in their home countries, so they come to Taiwan to teach English and make much more money doing that than the average native Taiwanese would make in their own jobs, more even than their Chinese co-teachers who do a lot more work than they do.

Me, I have nothing against McDonalds as a company. The food there is alright for when you need it, and its never caused me any adverse health effects. Its as pervasive here as it is in America, though, so I think if I only ever eat there, then what did I come all this way for? (for the sake of argument, lets forget that the McDonalds menu here is radically different from back home) I've eaten at McDonalds 3 or 4 times since I've been here. I hate that fact. I give myself a pass kind of because I tend to like to go out very late, and there's nothing else open after 10 except for convenience stores, at least as far as I've found. But still, I'm an asshole. One of the amazing things about Taiwan is the tremendous amount of food that there is to be discovered here, and I'm in goddamn McDonalds. More than that, I'm seen in McDonalds, and in doing so, I'm perpetuating a stereotype. I just feel like I can and should be doing so much more.

One day I was sitting in Taichung Park and admiring how awesome it was there. An older guy came up to me and spoke with me in broken English. He asked if I had a girlfriend, and I said no. He told me I would be very popular here. A friend I had before I arrived here tells me that in night clubs here, girls will line up for foreign guys. (Foreign girls don't have it so easy. I'll leave that for someone else to explain) Everyone here pretty much acknowledges that the girls really like foreign guys. I haven't experienced it much, but then I haven't been out much, and the one time I did go out to a place to drink in Taichung, I ended up with a phone number.

Perhaps the reason I don't go out is because I am afraid- afraid that I will once again perpetuate a stereotype, afraid that I will overrely on the bottle to escape whatever pains I get from culture shock, afraid that, in giving up my inhibitions, I will also lose the careful consideration that has brought me to and kept me alive in, if even for a short time, a country so far from home in so many ways. There are certainly dueling perceptions of foreigners here. T-Shirts will often have words in English for the sake of having words in English, comprehension (and good taste) be damned. More than the women issue I mentioned before, oftentimes bars here will allow foreigners free cover and/or drinks. Among the foreigners in my school, the one other single guy once told me "We're rockstars here."

He also explained to me once how, when you think about the time that we spend here, relationships are bound to be unconventional. Foreigners are typically here one, maybe two years. In that time, there's no time for dicking around and only being forward when the moment has passed. Expatriates have a term, the "psycho xiaojie," for the girl who you date for a short amount of time and move on from, only for her to be upset and overly -often maliciously- emotional. The desires of the foreigner and the native are certainly at odds, but understandably so.

Where does this leave me? Caught between wanting two experiences that seem to be mutually exclusive. I have never wanted to be the 'typical' anything. For the sake of convenience, I might adopt what people expect, but given the choice, I will generally choose the less than typical. What is typical, though, about flying to the other side of the world to engage in a culture absolutely foreign from my own? Isn't all of this a celebration of independence and the irresponsibility of youth? Why be hampered by expectations of anything? To survive, I have to shed my own, why then do I hang on to others'?

Moreover, I seem to be perpetually tied to the chess club mentality. This is something easily traced back to my upbringing, with my only social groups being those arising from gifted schools. I never made friends with people in my home neighborhood (partially because I don't think any my age existed), and I kept myself tied to people who, like me, never led any kind of lascivious lifestyle. If there ever were promiscuity or rampant drug use, it was always done by 'those other people' (and though we can all think of some exceptions to this, those people were never considered very highly). Even into college, this largely kept true. And though we were admonished, as far as I can tell, there were never any issues with my training group even on the nights followed by a day off. I learned later that this was actually very atypical, and the reality that I anticipated- resulting from a large number of unsupervised young people loosed at once into a very enabling foreign country -was far more common. (I even heard a story of one of the trainers having to be escorted home early during a final-night celebration)

For me, for whatever reason (trust me, I've gone over many in my head), that's never happened. Do I want it? I know and understand the consequences of such behavior (I wouldn't be here if I did), and that has drawn me away from it whenever I've come close. But I don't like to think that I've ever shut myself off to anything, and that the experiences of people who are just as respectable after as they were before get to experience a bit of life that I will miss. It seems like everyone has 'their time.' I've never had mine. Should I take advantage when it comes, even at the cost of, once again, perpetuating a stereotype?

I actually have spent a lot of time considering myself as a representative of that which I come from. Of Florida, of the South, of America. Largely, though, "foreigners" are all lumped together here. Only among people from other English-speaking countries have I experienced any static based solely on my homeland. I really want to be a good example of an American, and I think among the more nuanced and experienced minds here, the distinction is made between the US and other places. But to the random stranger, the gawker, and the uninitiated, I'm just another guy with round eyes and a big nose. I'm afraid of what that means to them.

The Second Half of the Journey and the First Day

2008-07-24T20:07:00.003-04:00

The flight from Los Angeles to Taipei was late getting out, but still was early getting in. The food was WAY nice for airline food (pan-fried chicken with ginger sauce and shrimp salad for dinner and chicken with noodles with melon and pineapple for breakfast), and the seat next to me was empty, letting me stretch out. I slept for maybe a third of the 12-hour flight.

After getting off the plane and passing through customs, I assumed that the driver with a sign for "Berek K Bavis" was meant for me. He drove me to my hostel in a Black BMW (except for taxis and emergency vehicles, I've noticed that all cars here are either a shade of black or a shade of white) and was very friendly and accommodating (most Taiwanese are).

As for my hostel, it is kind of run-down, but I don't mind it so much. I can get intermittent WiFi from my bed, and full service if I go to the lounge down the hall. The only hassle I've had is I forgot to bring/buy a towel until I was already in the bathroom. By that point, I had been traveling for so long that my opinion was "I'll worry about it when I have to." (I just used my shirt)

I'd decided not to change my money when I was in America, and paid for it here because the money changers (and most everything) do not open until 9, 3 hours after I arrived. First order of business after I showered was to wander around and see if I could find a bank. Luckily, there were a bunch right near my hostel, so I picked the one that explicitly said "Money Changing" in English. Once I came inside, the man by the door was incredibly helpful as I asked him where/how to do this, he set me down at a desk in front of numerous secretaries and gave me a cup of tea. The secretary said she could only change half of my money, which is fine, as I can just find another when I run out. They ran through making copies of my passport and getting information from me (I've been using my home address and phone number in America to get by) and then handed me my money on a little red plate.

I went back to the hostel to put it away, then left again to go wandering some more. I knew the Railway station was nearby, so I looked around there, then kept wandering. I caught eyes with a Taiwanese boy of about 13, who I heard telling his friend about the Waiguoren (foreigner). Expatriates here who I've heard from constantly complain about Taiwanese talking about them and expecting them not to understand, so I consider this a rite of passage. I bought a bottle of water from a 7-11 (there is one 7-11 for every 7000 people in Taiwan, the highest per capita in the world) as it was HOT, and you're not supposed to drink the tap water here without boiling and filtering it first. I had my first conversation in Chinese with the clerk there- "Xie xie" (thank you) "Bue xie" (you're welcome) -as little as this was, it was a major boost for me. I've just been refilling the water bottle with the water fountain here at the hostel.

On Saturday, I check out of the hostel and check into another Hotel where I will be living for free during my teacher training. I was advised to just take a taxi to the Hotel, but from examining Google Maps, I decided it was just 1.8 miles away, and I could just walk it. So I went out to find where the hotel is based on my maps. Almost 2 hours later, I had not found the hotel, but I did get to see the remnants of a scooter accident with a guy laying in the street and numerous people around him trying to move him to the sidewalk, and numerous near accidents, including one involving myself and a scooter that thankfully stopped as I was crossing a service road. By the end of it, I was also sweaty, sunburnt, and exhausted. I came back to my hostel and collapsed in bed, sleeping for 15 hours, where I am now. I wanted to go explore a night market, but I was way too tired. I'll do it tonight, and hopefully stay indoors more often during the day.

The First Half of the Journey

2008-07-22T21:13:00.004-04:00

I didn't sleep last night. I didn't expect to. For one, I had too much to finish- clean my car, clean my room, get a haircut, get my money situation worked out, etc. But beyond that, I wouldn't have been able to sleep because I was already a bundle of nerves. Around 4:30AM, I just figured it was time to go.

My nerves vanished the moment I checked my bags. They were perfectly fine, and the first thing that could have gone right did go right. I took it as a good omen and a sign that I could relax, and I strolled through the airport a very happy person, as my nerves were replaced by how epic -relative to the normal scope of my life- everything I'm doing is, and how I'm as in control as one person can be in this kind of a situation.

I really really like JIA. I've only ever flown out of Orlando before, so it was a very welcome surprise. It's just extremely comfortable. Atlanta is crazy busy, which breeds a Prussian quality in the people who work there, while Jacksonville people are very relaxed and friendly. Los Angeles is huge and dense, but at least not as confusing as Atlanta.

The flight to Atlanta was very nice and quick- the flight attendants barely got drinks to everyone before it was time to land. After that, I had a few hours' layover, which was convenient because my departure terminal was switched. The boredom got to me eventually, though, and my prior cheeriness was replaced with sullen drowsiness. I slept about half of the subsequent flight, which helped me get some pep in my step, and gave me a great view coming in to Los Angeles- its like an ocean of desert before you hit an island of sprawling, smoggy, hills.

As for now, I have been here since about 12 Pacific time (6 hours), with another 3 before I can check in to my flight. I have been hanging out in the dining area of the international terminal leeching off of the wireless signal coming from a nearby executive lounge. I really wish I could go exploring LA, but my bags weigh me down and it would take about $40 to stow them. It's ok, though. I get to explore the airport. I've already walked from one end to the other. Exciting!

Part 2: Los Angeles to Taipei coming soon!

How Billy Donovan Kind of Controls My Life Right Now

2008-07-03T05:38:00.004-04:00

On May 31, 2007, Billy Donovan accepted the job of head coach of the Orlando Magic, leaving the position of head coach of the University of Florida Mens Basketball Team, which he had coached for 11 years to two National Championships.

On June 2, 2007, Donovan informed both the University of Florida as well as the Orlando Magic that he was having second thoughts about his decision. By June 6, Donovan was released from his contract with the Magic and was once again the head coach at the University of Florida.

What happened on June 1 to make him change his mind?

On the morning of June 1, Donovan held a press conference in Orlando with Magic ownership and management. The mood was jovial, Donovan was dressed in a suit of Magic Blue Black & White, and everything was in place for a new regime. Later that afternoon, Donovan traveled to Gainesville for a farewell press conference for the people at UF. The mood was somber, Donovan was dressed in a generic polo shirt and shorts, and everyone was giving a solemn, but understanding, goodbye. The taste that was left in his mouth was bitter, the lasting memories of the day were of what he was leaving, and he was kept up at night by thoughts and fears that the move he made was not the right one for him. He finally came to the conclusion that however great the opportunities in his future were, he could not just walk away from what was behind him.

I talk about this, because it is a terrific example of how I do not want to plot out my last days here. People keep asking me "Are you excited?" and I'm wondering if the polite answer to that is "Yes," just as I learned a couple months ago that "How are you?" does not actually mean "Tell me how you are." The truth is, I'm not excited. I can't be excited. I understand why I am making this decision, and embarking on this adventure. I know that it is the best thing for me, and there are even moments when I think about certain parts of my life over there and little thrillgasms shoot up and down my spine. But then I calm myself, and remember how I can't get too involved. Not yet.

A tremendous fear of mine is homesickness. I've read that a large portion of each training group is gone after the first few months in Taiwan. Rather than attribute that to the company we're working for, I attribute that to the fact that a lot of the people getting involved aren't prepared to take on all that is involved with moving to Taiwan. And a large portion of that is letting go of what you're leaving behind. I want to be able to say goodbye to what I am leaving before I can say hello to the grand new world around me. Now a lot of this might be me overestimating the changes that I face. After all, I will undoubtedly see everyone again, and who I am is not changing, and by and large the only shift is in window dressing. But I feel like all sides measure equally in this regard. With this in mind, I can't say hello before I say goodbye.

I'm not sure when I'll do that. I don't want it to be awkward to the point where people start just waiting for me to leave like relatives waiting for grandpa to die so they know what days to take off from work. I want it to slightly resemble a small child getting shot with a needle then having a lollipop shoved in his mouth, so that the pleasure masks the pain. Maybe I just haven't had a chance yet, and I don't know when it will come.

2008-06-14T20:03:00.001-04:00

Paranoia

2008-05-31T05:11:00.003-04:00

I don't know when it started, but I'm not very good at trusting people. I don't (honestly) laugh very much, and even when I do, I always stay composed. I'm always eager to control how others think of me, and it is very hard for me to feel at ease keeping a secret, even though I do it a lot.

Example: Nobody at work knows I'm leaving. I've mentioned it to some guests when I tell them I'm a college graduate and I can sense they're envisioning the slow death of potential that will be my life. But I've done my best to carefully conceal it from anyone I work with. I mean, I'll tell them soon- I don't want to be an asshole and just not show up one day. But that short stretch of time between now and when I quit, those few weeks, even if I'm so close to being through with it, that looks to me just like less and less of a safety net if I fuck up. I talk to people about the paranoid vibes I get that maybe I'll be fired (and maybe those are just reverberations from being so recently fired) even though I can't point to any specific reasons for such (and I am damn good at anticipating the reasons why people would do something) and they say stuff like 'So what? Its just a job?' And it is. But it is also my last three paychecks before leaving, a sum of money that significantly affects my lifestyle now and when I get over there. I've done my best to be indispensable, and any indication that they would get on without me is like death breathing down my neck, even though its totally smart business, and I start to feel guilty for looking out only for myself.

I've never been one to spread myself around to anyone who will hear me. I'm very concerned that someone will hear the wrong things, perhaps purely by chance, and never think of me well again. So even if I do relax a little, I am still concerned with the message being presented. I hate thinking that other people don't worry about that stuff, so I hope they do. I'm really not sure. I have to think they do, as that's an important part of being a human, but I see them, and they seem so content, so at ease, and I kind of want to be like them, to be so at ease with who you are, even your worst points, that you don't care who sees deep down into your dirty little crannies. The kind of affection that you have in your most meaningful relationships, only you have it with the entire Universe.

Maybe I know I'm a bad person. Maybe everybody thinks they're bad people. I hate that I feel like maybe I feel this way because I'm so used to people saying "NO! BAD DEREK!" through my whole life, because that's maybe the easy way out- blaming other people. Also, I've been told that it is talking that way (and, by connection, thinking that way) that makes people sour on me in the first place. So maybe I'm not a bad person, but I've been told I am a bad person more than a few times in my life, and it never gets easier. It's actually worse, because every time I think I'm over it, something else happens and I slip back into uncharted isolation, and it all seems even more hopeless.

Here's what I want- I want to be able to laugh. Not like laughing at the television, or a polite laugh, or a little laugh between friends. I want to double over in laughter at another person, I want to close my eyes because the world is too much to take all at once, and have the laughter take over my body so that the only thing I can sense is my own mirth and the only thing I can think about is what brought me here. And I want it to subside, and I want to open my eyes back up and see the person who sent me to that point and know that it was real, it was involuntary, and it will happen again.

Financials, pt 2

2008-05-21T16:28:00.004-04:00

Ok, so strike all I mentioned earlier, new stuff has come up.

I went in expecting to work on a contract that would have me teaching Kindergarten in the mornings, and elementary-middle schoolers in the afternoon/evenings. This would leave me teaching 30.5 hours per month. The problem that came up was that I would be working the evenings in Taichung, and the mornings in Fengyuan, which is a suburb of Taichung, but nonetheless is about a 30 minute scooter drive from Taichung, when I expected to be working solely within the city.

I hadn't been expecting to immediately get a scooter, but if its necessary for my job, I'm all about scooters. Here are the problems that came up after THAT: 1. I don't have an International Drivers Permit. 2. Even if I were to get one, Taiwan wouldn't recognize it because Florida doesn't recognize them from Taiwan and Taiwan responds in kind. 3. I could simply get a license for a scooter up to 50cc in power in Taiwan, but I need my residency card to do that, and I won't have it for the first four weeks that I'm there. 4. I could ride a scooter completely illegally without a license, but I wouldn't be able to actually buy one without a license.

By the time I worked through all that crap with my main man Andrew in Taiwan (meaning I send and receive one message per day), I was thinking it might be smarter for me to have my mornings free in Taiwan, at least in the beginning. And it's actually kind of OK, because by the time the next Kindergarten semester begins in March, I'll be well set up in Taiwan, and I'll have a better chance not only of getting a job at a Kindergarten, but one that's much closer to where I live.

Now the rub: I go from 30.5 hours per week to 20 hours per week. I'll make about 20,000NT less per month, and will bank -if I do everything correctly- about $300US per month, which leaves me with FAR less of a buffer than originally planned. I can make it, it just won't be nearly as fun until Chinese New Year.

I do still want to get a scooter. All this rigmarole has enlightened me to exactly how easy it would be. All that is involved is a sight test, a test where you crouch then stand up again, and a written test that I passed on my first practice. For example, one of the True or False questions: "When you are driving your motorcycle in extremely low speed or high speed, due to bad stability, you must be skillful for a smooth driving." I would be a dope not to take something so easy.

You can find the place I'll be working here. It's in the western district of Taiwan, and I have no idea if it's anywhere near Huamei St., but if it is, I'll totally be looking in on that ad I wrote about a little while ago. At last check, the room hadn't been taken yet.

Purpose

2008-05-21T16:08:00.004-04:00

So I FINALLY have a good idea of what I want to do with this blog. It started as a place to use my vocabulary to intimidate people who I didn't like, then it became a source for vaguely cryptic letters to people I wouldn't have the balls to actually speak to, then it became a crapshoot where I tried to every now and then find inspiration that didn't become the eventual victim of lack of confidence. It never worked out.

Here it is. In tandem with a new laptop computer specifically engineered for blogging (meaning it has a webcam that I'd like to use), I finally have a good idea of what I'm doing here. With the makeover in spirit comes a makeover in style, as I've slightly redesigned the graphics so that they no longer look like what they (and really everything in my life to this point) were: random placeholders meant to look "cool" when in reality I had no idea what the hell I was doing.

What I am doing now, though, is something that will come to you with time.

Financials

2008-05-04T01:12:00.002-04:00

80 Days.

Ok, for the sake of all of this, $1US=~$33NTD, NTD meaning new Taiwanese Dollar. I've been looking at everything in terms of how it translates into my native currency, but I know when I'm over there I'll switch over pretty quickly. It only took me a couple days when I was in Europe, which kind of pisses me off because I realized only after I got back just how GREAT of a deal I could have gotten on a Lap Dance in Prague.

Anyway, making $560NT per hour working 30.5 hours per week leaves me with about $58000NT per month.

I'm planning on spending about $7500NT monthly rent on an apartment. I'd like to live with other people just as part of my "Derek does all he can to stave off solitude on the big scary island" plan, and that'll make things cheaper. I saw an ad for a dream scenario yesterday in "Two Taiwanese female are looking for an easygoing, fun, laidback, but neat & clean person to share a 3 bedroom apartment on Huamei St. (華美街), besides the Sal Sa Bar. The apartment is fully furnished; it has an big open kitchen with a big and nice living area with AC, TV, DVD, cable... It has everything, you can just move in with a backpack and only 3 minutes walk from So Go. The building faces the river and many big trees around all the nice restaurants and shops. You'll love it!!! Your room has a single bed and big built in closets with AC. NT 5000 per month" and hopefully I can get something cool like that. I read something today about a guy complaining about how bad all the buildings look in Taiwan. Personally, I haven't seen a picture of an apartment that I wouldn't love to live in. It may look bad to him, but its all new and fresh and interesting to me. I'll take it.

I'll probably get a cell phone at $NT1000 per month. There's no way it'll cost me more than $NT10000 to feed myself for a month. Public transportation will be another $1500NT per month. I kind of want to eventually get a scooter, but that's a big step for me and I might just end up with a bike for smaller trips. Anyway, monthly running costs for a scooter will be less than public transportation, so I'll just sit at that number. Put up another $NT10000 for monthly entertainment (bars, clubs, movies, etc), and that will leave me with just under $NT30000 or US$1000 for the month. That'll all get blown too, of course, but at least I'll have fun doing it.

I'll be working 6 days a week, but I'll do my best to save that extra day for exploring the island. Per year, I get 2 weeks unpaid vacation, and that will at least partially be used to travel internationally. If I re-sign after my year, I'll get a bonus month unpaid vacation, which I'm sure I'll use to come home, if not other places. So yeah, that's how I'll blow all that.

As far as start-up costs, I hear its best to take about $1500-2000, and hopefully I'll have that. Currently I'm sitting at about $2500 without dipping into my savings, and that should only grow, barring any (more) unforeseen firings. Even if I do have some unforeseen firings, I made it through the last one losing only about $500, so savings should keep me afloat.

Two things I definitely want to get for this are a new laptop and a video camera. I'd been planning on holding off until I got there because computers are plentiful on the island (Acer is based there, among tons of other tech companies), but something hit me last night- If I buy a computer there, it'll be all Chinese. So I might pull the trigger on that earlier than expected, especially if I can find a deal on something. I don't need much, just something good for surfing and videos, so I can probably fly under $750 there.

Anyway, money isn't why I'm doing this, but freedom is, and more money will afford more freedom, so I'm sure once I get all set up I'll end up living pretty comfortably and have opportunities to do a lot of things.

Save the Date!

2008-05-02T05:05:00.003-04:00

81 Days.

On Tuesday, July 22, 2008, at 6:20 AM EST, I board AirTran Flight 951 at Jacksonville International Airport. At 7:26 AM EST, I arrive at Hartsfield International Aiport in Atlanta. At 10:19 AM EST, I board AirTran Flight 54. At 12:06 PM PST, I arrive at Los Angeles International Airport. On Wednesday, July 23, 2008, at 1:40 AM PST, I board Malaysia Airlines Flight MH95. On Thursday, July 24, 2008, at 6:25 AM local time, I arrive at Chiang Kai Shek International Airport in Taipei, Taiwan.

Duration: About a day and a half, including layovers, including the 13:36 layover in Los Angeles (Last time I made an international flight, delays caused me to come in a day late. NOT THIS TIME).

I pulled the trigger and bought my tickets because I realized I would save like $200-400 by coming in a couple days early, and I didn't want to lose that advantage. Lucky me, too, because I got the last window seat on that Transpacific flight.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU OFFICIALLY HAVE 81 DAYS TO GET YOUR DEREK ON (unless you happen to be in Hong Kong. That'll probably be the first place I visit outside of Taiwan). Derek Davis is on the clock.

Updates

2008-03-22T11:53:00.003-04:00

It never ends!

First up, I got a message last thursday from my doctors office asking me to call back about my blood tests. I figure 'alright, results,' then I call back and said that I was calling to check on my blood test results. The receptionist tells me "Oh, if we haven't called you, then you're all negative- we only call if we get a positive result." "But I did get a call yesterday." "Oh... hold just a second" *Three VERY worrisome minutes pass* "Oh Mr. Davis, there was a problem in the lab. Someone mixed up the labeling, could you come back to retake your tests?" I did, in fact, go back and retake my HIV test, so that wasn't just code for "You have Full-blown AIDS and we just don't want to tell you over the phone," as I kind of suspected.

Also, BIG ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT TIME!!! All those leaving for Taiwan in May, take a step forward. Not so fast, Derek.

IT TURNS OUT that if I were to start teaching in June, I would neither be able to work as much as I would like, nor would I be able to live where I would like. So, for the sake of all that, my departure has been pushed back two months to July, and I will be starting work in August. Means- more time to get my visa, more time to make money, more time to say... goodbye.

Also means I'm going to my class reunion. I was REALLY hoping I would have made it to the point where during the reunion, I could pull out a stack of 100s the size of a brick, and just walk around, peeling them off and throwing them in people's faces. Alas, maybe next time. I'll figure out something good. Anyone wanna go just to make out the whole time? My treat. Alumni and non-alumni will be accepted.

I keep vascillating between wanting to screw as many American women as I can while I can, and thinking that two more months means two more months where I could knock somebody up and toss away all my dreams. Maybe I'll just do it with the special ones. And maybe 'do it' can mean 'take them to dinner and spend the time there dreaming of what could have been.' Yeah, that seems safer.

Derek Davis, 3/14

2008-03-14T09:15:00.002-04:00

* Welcome to my first-ever blog from work! I have a new, secret job, that entails secret dealings in secrets at the front desk of the la quinta inns and suites in mandarin. One perk of the job: internet access, and boredom, from which springs creativity. Another perk of the job: people just run in and hand me money every time I call them to shuttle a guest to the airport.

* A guest checked in yesterday that left me quite perturbed, but I couldn't figure out why. Might have been her fake blonde hair, or her large lumpy breasts, or her cracked long nails, or her terrible teeth, or her skanky dress. In any case, I had to know more, so I googled her email address and SURPRISE! Derek has met his first escort. She's here for three nights, and she's working, as I can tell from her website, and I'm just so damn giddy thinking of her up above my head this whole time. Twice already I've walked by her room on purpose in hopes of hearing something weird. No dice yet, though yesterday right after she checked in, I definitely heard the sound of somkething like shucking corn.

* If I sound extra perky, its because I kinda gotta be here. I figure perkiness goes a long way, and acting that way it just gets me in that mood. That and the coffee.

* "Alright sir, to get you checked in all I need is your drivers license." "I don't need to be treated like this. I was in World War II. I'll take my business elsewhere." "All I asked for was your drivers license." "They didn't ask for my drivers license in World War II!"

* If I haven't written a whole lot recently, its because I haven't been confident enough about what I'm writing. I kinda want to shift this to be more like the travel blogs that a lot of my friends are writing, but then I get moments where I just want to talk (maybe my problem is no one wants to talk to me) and then when I start just talking on here, I end up thinking "What the hell are you saying? I thought this was supposed to be a travel blog!" and then I feel like a jackass. But fuck it, I'm just going to do what feels good here.

* I got tested recently for HIV, Syphilis, and Tuberculosis. I'll get my results later today, but in the meantime, I'm regretting all the questionable sex from my past.

* Is it weird that I trust women more when they're older, but I trust men more when they're younger?

* I don't think I've ever put it into words before, but I really just don't like ever not being friends with people. Even if I deserve it. If I had the choice of being best friends with everyone in the world, I would take it, but then I kinda tend to fuck with people to the point where they don't like me, so I'm sure it would be short-lived. Even after they don't, though, I still try to make them. Whats the point in not trying?

* Two months left in America. Jeeeeez. I got my first paycheck yesterday, and with it nullified all the money I had spent since I got fired back in January. That makes me hopeful that I 1) can save money and 2) am getting paid better now than I was then, with less feelings of dread and hopelessness.

* I forgot to mention how bitchin it was that, when I got fired, I was pulled into the same office that I was pulled into at least 20 times when I got in trouble in middle school.

* The 5-year high school reunion is literally the day before I'm required to be in Taiwan. I think I might try to make it if there is a chance I'd end up banging someone from high school. Doubtful, though, as not everyone has the same definition of 'Nostalgia' as I do. To them, the point of a reunion is not repressed hate-sex, but rather showing off how much better your life is than everyone else. While my life is certainly not the worst (looking at you, Hailie Fuller), its nowhere near the best. I'll be at the ten-year reunion, after having lived in Taiwan for five years, with three Asian women who can't speak English on each arm.

* Oh man! The hooker just called down to ask where the nearest gym is! You better believe I printed out directions, stapled a 3-day Pass to them, and ran them up to her room toot sweet!

* People who go on and on promoting the fact that they are engaged and/or pregnant are more enthusiastic about the fact that they are getting married/having a baby than they are about the person that they are marrying/birthing. Their priorities are screwed, and they'll be lucky for it to last 5 years, much less 10. I have friends who've exhibited both ways of dealing with both, and I have FAR more confidence in the ones who have been more demure about their considerations and don't have their head up their own asses.

Fired

2008-02-12T17:23:00.000-05:00

I've come close for it before, but I've never been honest-to-God fired until two weeks ago. I always imagined it would go something more like

but in truth it was very antiseptic, by design I'm sure. I mean, I was there reeling from the shock of it that I couldn't say anything because so many bells were going off in my head. I really have to get better at that. I let it go, and rolled away.

How it happened is very very stupid. Everyone involved is stupid, me included. Stupid me, in a discussion of Internal Conflict in front of a 6th-grade Language Arts class, drew an example that it is what you feel when you have five dollars and you can't decide to use it to buy a gun, or some crack. It's a joke, right? I think we can all agree on that? Its a stupid joke, but I remember Middle School Language Arts as a time that I really didn't enjoy myself, a fact I attribute to presentation, considering that it turned out being the one thing that I enjoyed over everything else. I wanted, for my one day, to make the idea of it fun, to make the kids interested. And it worked! I swear it did! I got their damn little attentions. All was good, and if I had never gone back to the school, there would have been no problems, because no one had told me of any problems. But I did, about two weeks later. It seems that, in the time that I had been gone, word had gotten back to a (or more, I'll explain the questions I have later) parent, who I suppose was Livid, or something, and demanded that I not be allowed back at the school. The school was all 'naturally, of course' blah blah blah. But they didn't follow through. I picked up a job for the school a couple weeks later, not a worry in my mind. I was working as the same kids' science teacher, actually. During first period, a school administrator came to the room, which I thought nothing of, as sometimes admins will do that to make sure kids are behaving for subs. He rolled in, saw I was sitting at the teacher's desk, saw the kids were quietly working at theirs, and all was good. Minutes before fourth period began, another admin came to the room where I was sitting alone, told me to gather my things, and that I would be leaving. It appears that one of the students whose parents had complained before had called their parent who then had called the school to ask what the hell I was doing back there. The next day, I was in the middle of actually a very stress-free day (which was great considering the day before) at another school, when I got a call informing me 'You have been terminated, but please feel free to apply to work at other Kelly Services, just not with Kelly Educational Services.' Ugh. I'd been told that a do not send will not result in immediate termination, but apparently 'in some situations' it does.

A lot of this is very hazy, I know, and I think that's for good reason. The only thing that I really know for certain is that I lost my job as a substitute teacher. I've only been able to piece together everything else through what people kinda let slip when I pushed them on it. See, when you're me, you're expendable. A parent calls and wants a replaceable teacher gone? Get them out of the building and don't say goodbye. A school says GOD ONLY KNOWS what I did? Cut em off, give the jobs to the deserving. And without a word more, I'm back to not pulling in any income.

I'm alright, I've been saving for Taiwan enough that I won't die, and if I can pick up a new job soon enough, there won't be much of a speed bump. Worst case scenario, I can get a start-up loan from Hess, so I'll be ok. It just fucking sucks to lose a job for trying where I literally could have chosen to do absolutely nothing.

And now I'm stuck looking for jobs. I've been spending a lot of time looking online, which is great because 80% of them are scams, just a little more of a tragedy injection when I get to spend 15-20 minutes working on a pretty nice Cover Letter, only to get in return a reminder that I'm crawling with the leeches these days.

Once I got an interview! For really reals! See if you can count the bad ideas- It was at a Hotel on the interstate near the neighborhood where I grew up, with tripadvisor reviews such as “STAY AWAY!!!” and “Not really a good choice.” I sent in my Resume, and was told that 'Open Interviews' would be held on Thursday and Friday, and that although they had my resume, I'd have to fill out an application. I showed up early on Friday, with about eight other people in the lobby for the same reason I was. I was told that they had run out of applications, and they would print more for me, but they had also run out of paper. It'll be about an hour before more comes in. I come back in an hour, and in the 10 minutes that it takes me to fill out the app, a screaming lady runs into the lobby demanding that they call the police, to which the workers there ask that she calm down or else they'll call the police on her. She doesn't, so they do, to escort her off of the property. I believe that the insinuation therein was that she was a prostitute, but I can't be sure. I finish my application, hand it over, and they tell me they'll call me. The insinuation THERE being they've already hired someone.

I'm gonna level with everyone here- this whole deal has me feeling pretty worthless. I'm fired from a job I'm WAY more than qualified for, and then spend my time dodging scam artists while being told I'm not good enough for consideration for jobs I'm WAY WAY WAAAAAAY more than qualified for. Fuck this life, you know?

Derek Davis Thinks Too Much About.... Moving to Taiwan to Teach English

2008-01-27T22:51:00.000-05:00

And so another chapter begins...

Years and years ago, my good friend Kerry Linfoot planted a seed in my mind. I had this messed up concept of a reasonable picture of what my future would or should look like. I don't even know what it was, but she made an idle suggestion that I do what she did, and teach English in another country while it all kind of came together. I could make money, and go to grad school from a distance, and I'd be free to live wherever I'd like at the end of it. I stuffed it away, and ideas came and went and were shuffled off as ludicrous and untenable and just not me. But that idea stuck, and as time went on it grew larger and larger. The most unreasonable action slowly became truly the only action that could be taken. In my mind, it was always kind of a lark, but not one of the larks that I go on that ever fades. Over time, it became my unquestionable destiny. As a lark, though, it was never real. Never, until this past week. On Thursday, January 24, 2008, I came home from Trivia to news in my email inbox: I had been offered a job with Hess Educational Organization, the only English Language School in Taiwan that I had explicitly wanted to work for, as an NST, or Native Speaking Teacher. For a few hours, it suddenly became real, and as with most things, the first wave of reality is always the worst. I thought about all I would be leaving. With time, however, I though about everything ELSE I would be leaving. Suddenly, I remembered why I was doing this.

Many people will call me crazy for this, but because it's crazy is exactly why I'm doing this. I'm doing this because its a dream. I'm doing this for all the people who are five years older than me and wish they had five more years to do something like this. I'm doing this for the people who doubt I have the mettle to do something like this. I'm doing this because I know that life is too short to settle with 4 days in California, 2 weeks in Europe, and the remainder in the Southern US. I'm doing this because I got lucky. Because I didn't fall in love, because I didn't get married, because I didn't have a child. As much as I've watched people close to me do all of those things over the past few years, as clear as it is to me that it's a terrifically fulfilling experience, the fact that I am not irrevocably tied to another person to that degree is an incredibly freeing experience. I need to do this because people born into my place in society don't do this, ever, but I know my mind among other things separates me from them, and I need to show that. I need to celebrate my freedom. I need to practice it.

Don't get me wrong- this is TOTALLY crazy. I'm going to the complete other side of the world with no friends, no family, nothing but me and my mind. I know some of the language, but nowhere near enough to survive in it. My best asset in that regard is a complete willingness to humiliate myself. That's why I wanted so much to work for Hess. In exchange for not the best pay, I get to be guided into my new world by a company that recruits all over the world, unlike all the other schools. I'll take it.

As for specifics, my training begins on May 19, 2008. I'll be leaving shortly before then. Until then, I'll remain a substitute teacher and do my best to get used to being in a classroom. THANK GOD the students there are WAAAAY more deferential and respectful toward teachers, and people there will actually prefer that I'm so young. As for how long I'll be there, I have to sign a contract saying I'll be there for at least a year. Anything beyond that depends on how I like it. I'll do my best to make use of all free time given to me to explore the surrounding countries and return home to the best of my economic ability. As for the teaching itself, nothing has been set in stone, but my preference is a contract that Hess offers where I'll be teaching Kindergarteners from about 8-10:30 in the morning, then Elementary and Junior High students from 4-9:30 at night, in Taichung, Taiwan. Taichung, which roughly translates as 'Middle Taiwan' is pretty much a mix of everything. It's about as big as it gets outside of Taipei, which has ridiculous pollution, and since it's in the middle, it's not hard to get anywhere, including some pretty good wilderness areas very close by. I've looked it over and it has just about everything I'd like.

I know a lot of people here, some I've known for a very long time, some I've known a short time, and they all mean a lot to me. When I had the sudden flash of regret after I was offered the job, it was them that I was thinking of. I want to make it clear that I would never do this just to escape anyone (anyone who knows me knows I have way more fun staying close and mocking them). Rather, the people I know are the sole things I will have a hard time leaving. But I've also had to deal with a lot of people leaving recently, and I've learned many times over in life that the important thing is getting as close as you can during the time that you have, because life will separate you, and the important thing is to be able to have a connection you can keep over time, and distance, and all that would otherwise keep you apart. I couldn't possibly name everyone I will miss, but I am happy to be confident in the fact that those people who I will miss all know that I will miss them. That's about as much of an impact as I could hope to make. There's still plenty of time left, however, to make as big of an impact as life allows us to make.

If anyone has any more questions, please please please ask me so I can put them up here as kind of a catch-all FAQ. I'm kinda hoping to turn this into a center for information about my upcoming odyssey. I don't think my story has been boring to this point. I'm just keeping the trend up.

Cryptic Clue 4 5 6

2008-01-27T18:48:00.000-05:00

Cryptic Clue 2 & 3

2008-01-26T18:32:00.000-05:00

Cryptic Clue 1

2008-01-25T11:10:00.001-05:00

Early thoughts on the news

2008-01-25T11:00:00.000-05:00

Reality: I was not expecting this. I'm hoping the news will make people excited, because for the first time in all of this, I'm scared. I guess because to this point it was all a dream, and now my first notion that its becoming reality is hitting. I'm not ready to tell everyone yet, because I had really hoped to make a bigger deal out of it. I still plan to, I just don't know how. As with most things in life, the way it actually happened was nowhere near how I expected it; it was much earlier, I already had something else on my mind. I was sucker punched and now, 12 hours later, I'm still recovering my wits. But its real. Its happening. Goddamn this is huge. Its coming back. The fire in my belly is there. Fuck it. This is exactly what I wanted. Woo! Big Dick Derek Davis says Fie on you! Alright. Now I'm ready to feel good about this.

--

Derek Davis Thinks Too Much About... is on hiatus, for the reason that I have one subject left that has been suggested and I want to wait about a week or so on it. Seriously guys, you're stealing from me if you read these things and don't suggest a topic.

Derek Davis Thinks Too Much About... The Asses of Women Who Went to Stanton

2008-01-16T20:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know I said this would be regular, and I totally planned on making it so, but then I got Guitar Hero, and my free time went somewhere. Luckily, I can't hammer for shit, so I kinda hit a wall, and now I'm back!

Derek Davis Thinks Too Much About... The Asses of Women Who Went to Stanton (Topic by Russell Hainline)

Quite a departure, innit? Sadly, I only ever see one girl from Stanton on a semi-regular basis, and lucky for her (and her husband, AND ME) I can't remember the last time I thought to look at it. I'm sure it's great, though.

Truthfully, I'm kind of the authority on this subject, as much as one can be an authority on sensations from five years ago(except for Taylor Kollen- that guy was an ass-gathering MACHINE). I decided during my senior year that, since I would not ever see these people again (and I was generally right), I should get while the gettins good and slap as many asses as I could fit into my hands. It's not like they really care, right?

Brittany Sands didn't. I did it once to her. I don't remember much about her initial reaction, but something tells me her ass felt bouncy. A little later, she flirtingly said something along the lines of 'You can tap my ass anytime you like, Derek!' I assume she meant physically tap it, because she was (and is) in a very serious relationship, but then again it totally seems like the type of relationship where the man would let the woman gallop through a field of penises so long as she were on a leash (and he could watch). I don't know that for fact, but he did condone her willingly showing off her breasts in numerous different ways. Lets face it- she's a whore. God knows what favors I could have squeezed out of her if I had just stayed nice. But she went to FSU, and she was proud of it, and everybody knows where that leads us. Plus her boyfriend's creepy. I don't think I could fuck anyone with him sitting in the corner jacking it slowly and staring at me.

I touched Sara Manny's too. I actually think I accidentally just hit the bottom of her back, but I'll say I touched it, and it was fantastic, and all men should wish they had such a privilege and secretly envy the person in the future who gets to, for the fact that she was the only one I did it to where I was caught by a security guard, and she actually requested I not get in trouble for it. Man, everybody loves Sara.

Kelly Aull's was squishy. I made that mental note when I felt it, but never actually knew what it meant until I lost my virginity and became something of an ass connoisseur. Weird, since you'd think she's all athletic and stuff, but maybe that's why- constantly fighting in vain for a world in which God grants her a non-jiggly ass. Kelly and I had actually been alright friends to this point, but when I touched her ass, it set me off on the road to where I am today with her. See, Kelly herself didn't seem to mind my little grab, but boy, her boyfriend did. The nice fellow made it his business to let me know just how he felt in a conversation where he teased me for being, um, not rich, and for going to a 'small town university' while he went off to the ivy league. Winner! See, this wasn't directly Kelly Aull, and everyone tells me how great and wonderful and nice she is, but Fuck Kelly Aull, because he never would have known all that about me without her telling him, and she never apologized for that douche. Cunt.

I do actually remember Natalia Klosak's ass. It's no secret I pretty well liked her in high school, and her ass is no different. I remember specifically she had a pair of dark blue jeans that she would wear a lot that I liked. One time, I was sitting at a table, and she came over to sit next to me and accidentally sat on my hand, except that it wasn't an accident.

I don't know if she counts, being that she was in prison when we all were walking at graduation, but I have to credit Lynea Parrella's ass as being the specific ass that sparked my love of asses. I remember sitting in 8th grade science class and seeing Lynea wearing a pair of tight black pants, and it simply amazed me. From then on, my world was shifted, and all asses suddenly had value. All asses had a place in the universe thanks to Lynea Parrella.

Of course, I have to recognize all of the asses of unnamed girls in other classes that made a difference to me. In my Spanish class there was a girl named Heather. I was a Junior, she was a freshman. I didn't like her much, because I thought she was kind of slutty. Part of why I thought this was because one day, she was sitting ont he ground, and bent forward, and I could see her ass crack. This is normal now, I know, but she was the first one I experienced personally. It blew my mind, because there were no panties where to God and man there should have been panties. I went the rest of the year thinking it was commonplace for some women to regularly go withotu underwear in their daily lives. And that those women were only making things easier for themselves because they obviously had a lot of indiscriminate sex. Actually, I was teaching there today and came across a whale tail on one of my students, and it was nice to reminisce about how not much has changed.

I remember specifically always seeing Alicia Goodfarb's whale tail in my classes with her. I sometimes stared at it in what I assume was appreciation. Angela Hupman too. I don't think I ever did, but now that I think about it, I really should have tried to reach out and touch it (after making sure she was sitting in front of me and no one was watching, of course) just lightly enough that she wouldn't feel it. I would sometimes do that in school to the hair of girls who were sitting in front of me. Not their whale tails, of course, just their hair. None of them ever suspected me. I just liked how it felt.

I'd always try to look for Mistie Farris's whale tail too, but I never saw one. Her pants were always so tight, though, that it had to be there. She's just so tiny, I feel like if I ever were able to grab her ass, I could pick her up by it, like if I were palming a Basketball.

I remember once specifically being in a class where I saw a girl and thought to myself 'That girl has a very distinct, though appealing, ass. It is round in interesting places' but I didn't know her name at the time. It was Heather McGinty.

Maybe I'm not so good with asses as I'd like to be. When I was in high school, I never once had free access to an ass. Never once did I truly experience one. Any memories and experiences I had were through the hazy eyes of a timid, desperate virgin. I was on the outside looking in for so long that I know I'm going to come off as weird or creepy for all those who were in ahead of me. A few months ago, I was teaching in a high school and I heard one male ask another male what his girlfriend's ass is like, and he said "She doesn't really have one." In my heart, high school me shouts "Yes she does! Its just tiny! Tinies should be appreciated just as much as large ones! Life isn't an ass competition!" I mean, I had seen her too- I promise you I didn't just misunderstand a couple guys talking about a woman whose ass burned off in an accident or something. I just want to make sure it's known, though, that I'm not weird. I promise I'm not. An ass just means something different to me. Not better or worse, just different.

People who received a pass from thought, for what should be obvious reasons - Jackie Emnas, Amy Hanna, Amy Haspel, Kelly Peterman, Nicole Robey

---

Alright, woo! That one was tough, I had to rifle through a lot of obscure memories. I'm going to go ahead and pretend that I have no other topics to talk about in future blogs (which I promise will be weekly), and urge you, for the sake of keeping me off of Guitar Hero, to send in new suggestions.

Derek Davis Thinks Too Much About... Love

2008-01-04T22:33:00.000-05:00

I've been told many times over that I think too much, and living in my head, I promise that the world had not heard one percent of the things I think about. Its cute just how many twists and turns my mind can take on one subject, so much so that I the exhibitionist would like to give the world a taste. To this end, I'm starting up what will hopefully be a regular occurrence wherein I ask friends of mine for topics and just go off and write. This is called "Derek Davis Thinks Too Much About..." Here we go.

Derek Davis Thinks Too Much About... Love (Topic by Eric Dorman)

Hoo boy. I remember the last time I wrote about Love. The results weren't spectacular (the eventual result: my most trying moments of the last five years. but then a lot had to do with that) It started with a friend of mine, someone who I regarded as a very very close friend writing about the same thing I am today. When I wrote about my definition of love in response to his (that being the fact that a show of love would be that I could completely rip apart his definition of love and he wouldn't be mad at me), he pretty assuredly got mad at me. Aside from the personal ramifications, that moment taught me some very frightening lessons.

The truth is, I have no place writing, talking, or thinking about love. The truth is, I don't know what love is. I don't think I do. Is love the kind of same thing as an orgasm for girls, where you might think you've felt it, but people who have felt it are all like 'If you've felt it, YOU KNOW?'

If I've felt love, I've felt it only one time in my life, and for good reason. If what I felt was love, then my hypothesis is that love is for suckers. I loved a girl for a few years because she was the first girl ever to show me affection after a lifetime to that point of fear and rejection. I ate it up. I reveled in it. I was sure that I would be with this girl for the rest of my life. We would lose our virginities to each other on prom night, and get married a year later. Start a family. I was fucking stupid. The girl dumped me after a month(though you could say her body dumped me far before that [except her boobs, ha-cha!]). I was young, though, so perhaps love means something totally different at that age. Since then, though, I've been so wary of putting a large part of my soul into one other person. I know people, and I don't think I could trust people like that, because people are assholes.

I've also known people (girls) who have told me that they loved me. Some were more than happy to do so to my face, over and over, after days of knowing me, and are more than happy to place that love in other people relatively quickly after I left the picture. Some would only tell me when I was asleep next to them. Some would tell me in elevators. My understanding of this is that some people have a fundamental need to love without shame or reason, some people are regular people who are able to love but afraid of how their love would be received, and some people are drunk. I feel bad for all three of them, but I kinda get it.

The first group probably sees life as incomplete without love, as if one's only true destiny in life is to love and be loved (cue the can-can). I feel bad because those people don't seem to find their love from the world around them, but rather from one singular person, and I don't care who it is, one singular person will always be unreliable. But if it's supposed to make sense, then you have to have a very short attention span, and in that situation, a new good will usually outweigh mountains of old bad.

The second group lives in a world where love is a vulnerability. Peter Parker syndrome. They prefer to hide their love for the opposite reason, because the past sticks in their head, and to reveal your love is to toss a coin which might reveal a very bleak truth: that you are the one in the relationship unloved, alone. You also don't want to ever compel someone to say they love you for your sake, because then you're always second guessing another human's deepest emotions, and I gotta think that's unhealthy.

The third group is probably the most understandable. God dammit, everybody wants to be loved. Everybody wants to love. Everybody wants to know that someone else out there somewhere, of sound body and mind, has decided that they are an extremely valuable grain of sand among the other 6 billion some humans on earth. So throw it around, dammit. Don't be afraid. Love. No fears when you're drunk, let it bleed out and make the world a better place.

I can't say which I am in particular. I suppose I think of my love as a diamond, and to keep it valuable, I'm scouring war-torn Africa to stash it away in a vault so I can keep prices up. On the opposite side, though, I'm not afraid to say I love someone, if I ever truly did, because I'd think that if I were being reasonable, they would take that as a very very good thing and I'm always one for brightening someone's day. I guess what I'm waiting for is for someone to say that they love me, that I can feel safe loving them, that they'll try their best not to hurt me over it. That might open the ol' love pipes up a bit.

There's something to be said, though, for love between humans. Like, not like-like. Friends. That kind of thing. But then I don't think I've ever loved someone even in that way who never let me down. Is it worth it to really ever love someone? Perhaps I take love too seriously. I certainly care about people. If I can think of a way to brighten someone's day to no one else's detriment, I'll do it, most notably for my friends. I don't think it's out of love but rather the recognition that life is such a hard time that we should use our tremendous potentials to make it easier for one another as much as we can. But that's spread so thin, if it's truly love its a diluted love. Makes me scared for another person if I ever super-concentrated my love just for them. For sure I'd be damn scary, but I'd like to think they'd be ok with that.

Maybe this really is more like the woman coming to terms with her orgasm-less self than I know. Maybe I feel like I am broken, defective, a freak because I am simply not able to exhibit this absolutely understandable, purely human emotion. But then is love even understandable? Breaking things down, it's a couple million to billion synapses in our brains firing off telling us that we have entered this new, special zone of life called love. Maybe I just can't do that, and that's fine. I'm happy without it, right? It's not so much a defect. But then I think about the fact that those synapses represent something so huge, so powerful, so good that I am just left on the outside of it all. Its like seeing the first star at night and not making a wish. Its like having images fly past your eyes in your sleep and not forming them into a coherent dream. Its like living in a world without magic of any sort- Sorcerer, Illusionist, or Walt Disney kind. A world without love is a bleak place, an inhuman place, and I am afraid to live there.

Well, that's that, the first one in what will hopefully end up as a reasonable series. I had actually planned on writing this Tuesday and then it was pushed back all the way to today. Hopefully I can pull off making it at least a weekly thing. If you would like to suggest something for me to think too much about, please let me know, I am more than happy to accept them. I already have the first few, but I will never be unhappy to have too many of them.

Confessions

2007-12-30T19:16:00.000-05:00

Whoa, I haven't said much (certainly not much where anyone actually knows what I'm talking about) in a long long time. I've got something coming up that will definitely change that, but I'm getting an itch. I'm feeling like I need to say something now.

I've been endlessly fascinated by those little things on myspace that (usually stupid) people fill out, like surveys, or whatever. Basically, they're long lists of questions that they answer and ask all their friends to answer, etc etc. I try to crush myself to come up exactly why people answer these things, and it's hard, its really really hard. Like, it could work maybe as a primer for people who don't know you too well, but getting to know someone's not too hard, is it? Maybe its an idle activity to recall one's life story? That makes the most sense to me, but I feel like I know people, and I know another idea is a lot closer to the truth. People like to tell their own dirty secrets, to flaunt themselves. I've learned that people are/are not virgins, have cheated, have had multiple partners, and numerous other sexual kinks through these things. It's like, in the case that they were ever later confronted by, say, their partner demanding "Why did you let everyone know that we both have dildos in our asses when we fuck?" they can hide behind it like "The survey asked! I had no choice but to answer!"

People like to flaunt themselves. I don't know why, I'm sure there are a whole load of answers behind it. It's kind of the like when a girl has a nip slip and then giggles about it. Bitch, you make it your business in every other second of your public life to keep that thing hidden, and all of a sudden, your efforts crumbling around you evokes laughter? If it's not such a big deal, why not just let me see what they look like? (I'm serious about that one, ladies.) Boom, everyone's a lot less uptight because everyone has a lot less to hide.

Anyway, whatever, I am no different from anyone else, and as such I want to get in on the act. But I don't want to tiptoe through a fuckload of 'What color are your eyes?' questions. So here it is, the straight beef, without any filler, my Confessions of 2007, because there's no better time than right at the end to get shit like this off your chest:

This year,
- I have tried 3 'hard' drugs, one of which I actively 'tried' more than a few times
- There was at least one occasion when I told someone I loved them and did not mean it
- I am not able to count on both hands the number of people I've kissed
- I had active 'relationships' with two girls at the same time
- I was never once was without someone with which I was actively having a sexual relationship
- I intentionally sabotaged 3 of my own friendships
- I intentionally sabotaged a friendship between two other people
- I never felt bored
- I 'changed' myself to fit what I could get out of people, but never truly changed
- I lied more times than I can count
- I never got into any fights, because no one ever knew that I had wronged them
- 2 girls told me they loved me
- One person had to go to the hospital because of me

In my life:
- I have never been in love
- I have taken the virginities of 3 girls
- The thing that entertains me more than anything else is seeing how I can exploit other people
- I've never felt remorseful over people who died, close to me, or close to other people
- I am very happy with myself and what I have accomplished
- I feel my best when I think about the fact that I have made so many impressions on people's lives, good or bad

That's all I can come up with for right now. It's probably a lot, but I feel like I could say a lot more. I'll let it stay at that, though. Hopefully it's more interesting/revealing than a myspace survey. If you choose to do something similar in your own blog, I doubt your true love will kiss you, but it would be appreciated.

About * and * **'* * *

2007-12-06T16:58:00.000-05:00

Here is something that you really really should know - no matter how close you feel with me, never ever let me **** **** *********. What I've found is that people sometimes feel closer to people than they really are, and will eventually grow apart, but be certain that after that happens, i will ** **** ** **** ** ******. I'll likely not ever **** **** ********, because I'm only really in this for ******* ***********, and doing so would *** *** *** **** *'* ********* **. ** ********, for reals.

The reason I introduce like this is to start a story about how I ****** **** ***'* ****** ****** ******** and read about *** *** *** ******** *** '*** *********.' Originally, I took this as a negative, as it was proof that *** *** *** *** ** **** ****** ***. After thinking about it, though, I think it's kind of a great thing. After all, I couldn't expect *** ** *** ** ****** ***- *** ***'* * ****** (* *** ** ****). A problem ** ***** *** *** **** ** ***** *** *** *** *** *** ** *********** ***, certainly not well enough to ******* ****** *********.So in addition to *** *** ** ***** **********, he also *** * ***** *****. I like that.

Derek's CraigsList Adventure

2007-11-12T17:40:00.001-05:00

So almost exactly a week ago, I put up a personals ad on CraigsList in the "Casual Encounters - W4M" category, which basically means "Women Looking for Male Fuckbuddies." As you might imagine, this being in Jacksonville, there are essentially zero real women putting up ads here (95% is spam of some sort, or men complaining that there are no women there). Admittedly, my exercise wasn't helping matters, but it was done so in pursuit of knowledge and not any personal gain. The results of the endeavor, however, were absolutely interesting.

To begin, here is the body of my ad:

"Alrighty, I'm a 21 y/o single gal and honestly I've been feeling kinda bored with life lately. So what I did was I went ahead and reserved the coming weekend for YOU....

Hehe, maybe not exactly YOU, but hopefully YOU. I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday Nights free this weekend, and I wanna try to find someone to take me out for each of those nights and show me a hell of a time. Maybe shock my system into feeling good again, I dunno.

Send me a message letting me know exactly what we would do together if I went out on a date with you this weekend. I'm not saying it has to include sex, but how memorable would the night be without sex?! Please be safe, d/d free. Not saying it would definitely develop into a regular thing, but I'm always willing to be impressed again and again if you're good enough the first time. Let me know what we would do together, and if it's really good, I'll be seeing you this weekend ;-)."

To this I added a picture that I, uhm, "found" featuring a young lady taking a picture of herself in a mirror. She's wearing pants and a bra, and I felt reasonably "sexy" and "seductive" while remaining as seemingly "real" as possible. If you really want to see the picture, you can go find it yourself. Just trust me when I say it was a very good picture for making them want me just enough.

Alright now, on to the responses! Lets go through some numbers.

Total number of responses to my ad over the span of a seven-day period: 102
Total number in the 24-hour period after it was published: 60, or one every 12 minutes.
Total number featuring pictures: 30 (1/3 of which were shirtless)
Total number featuring pictures of a penis: 4
Total number of responses that actually told me what we would do together: 28
Total number of responses with one line or less of actual words: 65
Total number of men who wanted to take me somewhere out of the city of Jacksonville: 10
Total number of female responders: 1
Average Age of Responders: 27 (of the 34 who actually included their age)

Starting at the top, the 102 overall is simply a comparison point, but I feel like over a week it is a huge number for a limited, jaded (for example, the large amount of "I bet this is spam" responses), albeit desperate group of men. The desperation is shown by the fact that well over half of all responses came in the first 24 hours.

I feel that the number of men who responded with pictures is pathetically small - the feeling of 'wanting something through very little effort' is something that is evident through almost all of this. By the same token, there were many who responded with ONLY a picture who suffered from the same problems- "Oh, look how big my arms are, of course you want me." "Oh, look how pretty these girls I'm with are, of course you want to be like them." "Oh, look at my penis, for some reason." At least they put forth some kind of effort, though. Those who gave me one line (meaning, from one side of my screen to the other) are essentially worthless and I question how they have gotten through their life thinking they could really bag a girl using one line - "mmm ur really hott."

Now, something is also to be said of trying TOO hard. I could (and will, later) name a few instances, but the fact that a third of those who actually presented plans for our night together included leaving the city (one going as far as fucking New York City) makes it abundantly clear how these men underestimate a woman's capacity for self-defense. That or they for some reason assume women will bend to their will above their own safety concerns, either because they are used to women doing so, or they have very little experience with women (Try and guess which one I think it is).

Also, there is a point to be made concerning the ages of those responding to the ad. Strictly off of the ages given to me, the average is 27, but the actual average is nowhere near that. Taking into account men who send pictures with no age, men who describe themselves as 'older' but not actually quantifying that, and men whose pictures CLEARLY do not match their given age, I guarantee that the actual average is at least 32, but probably higher than that. Why do I not understand this? It must be an old person thing, because I can't bring myself to understand the assumption a man makes that a hot woman 10+ years his junior would be interested in sharing merely a night of sex with him. Only a night of sex. There were no marriage proposals, or mentions of income, or suggestions of spending a lifetime together. Only sex. It baffles me.

Alright! Here comes the fun part! THE ACTUAL, UNEDITED, EMAILS. I'll annotate as needed.

"i want do do some thing fun and exciting. i want to fuck while driving
such a rush. we can talk about it over the phone hit me back. i hope
you do i like your look. if we connect"

in full, that was my first email. great way to start, I say

"i love t oparty an dhave a good time. all my friends will be out this weekend so we would have a blast. i have a condpo @ beach so if we got too drunk we wont have to drive back to town,"

"I can touch my nose or chin with my tongue ;-p"

"we could head back to my place for some all night adult fun (although in public is more risque and exhilarating)."

I wish I could explain CraigsList people's fascinations with public sex. Anonymous sex just isnt good enough any more.

"mmmmm i want you"

There was literally nothing more included in this one. Winner!

"You now are finding yourself placed upon your knees in front of a guy, you just met 20 minutes ago, with my erect maleness staring you in the face you find yourself torn between the thought of how wrong this is and your lustful desires raging inside of you from being control and dominating by a total stranger. Although you know it is wrong of you all you want to do is take me in your mouth and obey and please me in hopes that your lustful hunger will also be satisfied by me"

Purely based on the message sent, this was probably my favorite of all the emails I got, and what I've excerpted here isn't even 1/3 of what he wrote to me. The lead up to this was basically a very cerebral explanation of how I would let him, a stranger, come over to my house, rape my mouth, and love every minute of it. Fantastic.

"Its my birthday saturday, but we can do what ever you want...or can handle...."

Another winner, who chooses to spend his birthday with a complete stranger. It can't possibly be that he has nobody else to spend it with, could it?

"Hey im Looking to take someone with me to Daytina for the weekend to treat like a queen...and to ride on the back of my chopper...let me know if you are interested"

Well, I wasn't so sure about the ride to Daytina with a stranger, but on the back of a chopper?! I'm there! He doesn't ever mention his age, but he couldn't possibly be older than 23, right?

"Ok, you're probably getting flooded with lots of responses from idiots from around here.
Me, I'm not around from here, just got into Jax about 2 months ago and getting used
to things. I guess I'm referred to as a Northerner since I'm from NYC.

You seem interesting but sometimes first impressions can be decieving with only a description of a few words, sentences, or even pictures. Afterall, spam is everywhere and who knows, you might just be some lurking spambot. But hey, I'm a gambler, an adrenaline junky so let's see what comes out of this.

I can be the perverbial frosted mini wheat, you know, having both a wild passionate fun side, which I guess would be the frosting and an intellectual, reflective, philosophical side, which is probably the whole grain goodness. I'm financially stable, trust funds, assets, blah, blah, blah but I could never be one of those people who just does nothing since they were born with a golden spoon in their mouth. On the physical side, I am athletically built as well as health conscious due to my professsion, trainer in sports medicine. I'm 5'9'' and just turned 25 years of age.

I was born and raised in the NYC, so I am in the know with regards to what is considered to be fine dining, good entertainment, etc. I often laugh when people think that Town Center or downtown offers all of these things.

I have a wide variety of interests that is as unique and individual as a snowflake.
Being active and athletic is an integral part in such activities.
I've got a few suprises and never boring so you definately have to like
fun and adventure if you are with me.

Okay so getting to this weekend, I've got lots of fly points that I need to burn up before the end of the year. I haven't been back north since about 60 days so I think it's time to return to the city that never sleeps of course you with me.
Depending if we click, we can get into some fun on the plane before take off, during the flight and right before landing. I always wanted to join the mile high club so you'd be my first.
I guess the more crowded the plane, the more energetic things can become, you know the fear of getting caught in the plane's bathroom, the obvious signs of two people in the restroom and of course looking innocent when everyone around knows what you've been up to.
I'll leave the actual mechanics up to your imagination.

Getting into either Laguardia or JFK, we can take a taxi to my home which is facing Manhattan as well as a spectacular view of the Verazzano N bridge. Fooling around in the back of a taxi is another one of my things that I want to do on the checklist. Just hope the driver doesn't wreck or lose the ability to concentrate on his driviing.

Since this is a weekend blitz getaway, we'll be hitting some of the hot spots in the city as well as going back to my favorite Italian restaurants in Little Italy. I can't tell you how bad the pizza is out in Jax, it's nothing like what you find in Brooklyn or even Manhattan.

I'll give you a taste of my world and see if there's a potential connection.
It beats staying in a town that everything seems to close down at 9 or 2 am.
What's that about ????

Let me know if I sparked some interest."

Alright, I was floored when i read this, and I had to reproduce it in full, because its clear that he went through a lot of thought for it. He followed directions, and that is good. But the sheer BALLS on this motherfucker is magnificent! "I'll fly you to New York City, and we'll have sex before, during, and after the flight, stranger who I have never met before. Oh, well, I mean, if we have chemistry. If we don't, this weekend's gonna be awk-ward. Oh, and I'm rich, totally rich, so rich I troll for pussy on CraigsList, that's how rich I am."

"I'm at 23 year old law student and I had a falling out with my ex this past week. My school is having its formal masquerade ball this Friday night from 9pm-2am at the Jaguar Stadium. The limo is paid for, so is dinner, and ball tickets, and we're all meeting at a beach house near Jax Beach."

"well if i live there and you like older men i would take you out to dinner and dancing or a movie if you like or and bar with live band to get to know you alittle bit first because the sex is so much better if we both want it so if we get along then maybe we will work are way back to your place or mine and see what happen from there if you like to drink or maybe your 420 we will get what you need to make you happy i give great back rubs and brush hair
we could even stay home and i might even cook for your and after you have eaten i would run you a bubble bath and after you are all refreshed maybe i would sit you down in front of me while your drinking a drink or something and watch tv i would brush your hair then maybe carry you to the bed and rub your back untill you go to sleep or who knows were we go from there if we have made it that far lols michael"

The sex is so much better when you use periods, and avoid saying 'lols' past the age of 50, michael.

"take you out to dinner maybe the movies or moonlight walk on the beach or a candle light dinner in a park!!!

can get and maintain 4-5x erections a night lasting 30 mins on average"

Full text of the email. Because those are the two most important things women look for.

"What an interesting ad. (And unlike a lot of other ads on CL, it has a ring of honesty to it.)

I'm an educated professional, intelligent, unmarried, have been a lot of places and done a lot of things, but I'm laid-back and not pushy. I know how to treat a woman like a princess, and like a slut, sometimes at the same time.

Here's what I'd do. Meet for cocktails in the mid to late afternoon. Talk, get to know each other. Find out what you like. Be frank and open-minded. Do you like the theater, do you like to dance? Do you like sex with women, or with multiple men, or bondage? What makes you happy?

Assuming we hit it off, we'd then go shopping and pick you up something sexy to wear later in the evening. Then probably out for a nice dinner. Then - I'm not sure. Maybe to the theater (if there's anything playing in town) and then home to my place. Maybe to a swingers' club, or some other form of fantasy exploration.

To me it depends most on character and chemistry. Do you trust me, do you find me attractive, do I stimulate your mind? I'm sure you'll get dozens of replies to your ad - I hope you like mine, and that I hear back from you soon"

I love how it progressively gets dirtier and dirtier. "You're a nice lady. You look like a fresh daffodil in the morning. A daffodil I would like to fuck. I would fuck you, little daffodil, in the ass. I like ponies."

"Face pics upon request."

Taken from an email from a gentleman who had no problem sending me a picture of his penis, but I have to ask to see his face.

"I would pick you up with two horses in my trailer, we'd be off to St Augustine for a day of riding on the beach. Picnic included. If it were too cold for the beach, we'd maybe do a trail ride in the woods. Again, picnic included. After the ride, we would find dinner somewhere, and if we enjoyed each others company enough to progress further we could retire to the small, but cozy living quarters in the horse trailer, to explore each other more."

So, just to recap, I am a stranger, and my plan for the day is to come to your house, pick you up, drive you to another city, take you into the woods, then fuck you in a horse trailer. Call me!

"i thing i find what i was looking for,im trying to go to orlando this weekend and i got here to post it here cz i want to have a partner to go with me,im soo happy thats u here,i will love to have a petty girl like u,any way we if u interested email me back and i will send u my pic and more detail,hope to talk to u soon"

ugh. that's the full email. people who use words to get laid should be good with those words.

"Hit me up and I'll fuck you till orgasm."

"I'd like to finish the evening with multiple slices of cream pie. If the pies good you'll know it."

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

"id take you out with the boys n get a lil muddy in the pit....wyle out in the truck a bit...drink a bit by the fire n then id show you how us southern boys treat ladies...."

There's nothing that can be said to that one that I haven't already screamed myself hoarse saying.

"If I was single and a guy, I would be all over your ad. I DO happen to have an amazing (in so many ways) boyfriend. I want to watch him and another girl so bad, and I think that might be the perfect way to "shock your system" with some fun. We love to party and get wild, but are pretty much up for whatever. I would love to chat with you some more about this, so write me back <3"

GIRL! GIRL! GIRL! WOOP WOOP WOOP! WOOP WOOP WOOP!
Ok, so she has a boyfriend, but without getting into too much detail, I kinda have a history with this one, so its just a very special thing to me. Kudos to her for going out and hunting down poon for her man!

"hey im coming into town from hot lanta if you want to have a good time we need to hook up i'll be staying in st augustine with my son you didnt mention age im good looking swm 49 we might not have too much in common but im visiting my son whos 24 we're going to party all weekend so if you want to join me drop me a line"

WOWWWWWWWWWWWW. I did mention age, and it was 21, and even if I didn't, the picture would never be over 23. That's to say, you're trying to wrangle a woman for your weekend with your son who is younger than said son. Even if you got me for you and your son to share, how is that any better?! That's exactly what I signed onto this for.

"A hotel on Orlando guarantees we have somewhere to be together all night for round two and three of our fun compatibility test. If we sleep thats cool, if not you can sleep in the car on the way home."

I love it when a man is willing to fall asleep at the wheel for me.

"I understand that you are trying to be discreet so I would appreciate you offering me the same discretion, even if you are not interested."

I don't understand what he's saying here. He said he's single, so it couldn't be discretion from a wife. I just don't get it, but apparently he's been burned before. Whatever.

"your the hottest most sincere looking message I have read so far."

I'm good at what I do. I love that the internet has gotten to the point where 'sincere' is a compliment.

One last one, and this is special - "what do u think about the guy in the pic"

Whats so special about it? The guy in the pic is a man I know. A man I went to high school with. If you were in IB, you know him. I don't know the story behind the email. I kinda don't want to know. I just think it's hilarious.

Point of explanation - I didn't respond to any of these emails in any way. I didn't want to let anyone know my email address, my phone number, my anything. I'm not interested in making a case study out of this. The point was just to receive the single first effort toward making a connection with the girl who created that CraigsList ad, nothing else. What I got out of it was more than enough.

4,5,3,2,1

2007-11-12T15:12:00.000-05:00

It has seriously been over a month since I've written anything. Longtime fans of The OFFICIAL Derek Davis will know what that means.

I mean, yeah, it's due to that (nobody knows what I'm talking about, I love this, I think I'll do it some more), but also because of a genuine lack of things to write about. And a fear of what I would say if I did. I sweat to God that I always go into these things meaning to be absolutely truthful, but then I'm a man of 1000 different truths (people don't think its possible, but I promise I do it) and I can't possibly boil them all down to one consistent reality soup. Any single reality is small potatoes in the big picture. Like, I have stuff that's on my mind like always, but if the things I write about are candy bars, then the stuff on my mind is M&Ms. In tribute to that candy bar made of M&Ms recently no longer being produced (a fact that I just made up and am actually sure is false), I'll try to forge them all together, albeit incoherently, like I do.

There are things that I enjoy doing. But they're secret. You can't know about them. No, not you. Not even you. But I like them, and I know being secret makes it seem wrong, but it doesn't seem wrong, I just think some things are best enjoyed in a vacuum. The kind of things that when you lay down at the end of the day, you can think of them and know, if all else fails, if you lose everything, if the world all goes to shit, you can always die and know it was worth it because you did those things and at the most basic level, you've satisfied all that you've looked for in life.

I lie a lot. Its fun. I like to think that most other people know me well enough to catch when I'm lying, or at least that I've become good enough to let them know I'm lying, because damn there have been some misunderstandings. Anyway, I'm not against letting people know I'm lying if I feel that I haven't given them enough notice that I am just an outright ridiculous liar. I got something going on right now that's mind-blowing, though, and I feel like I can talk with more clarity here because the one I'm dealing with probably doesn't see it happening. Sometimes people will randomly grow vendettae against me, and its so weird, but I guess I did something to deserve it. Anyway, it's remarkable how people with the most Derek-experience (or Derexperience) will take my lies at face value purely for the fact that they need SOMETHING, OH, SOMETHING to hate me over. Comes with the territory, I suppose. My goal in life is to get to a point where I do no harm to anyone (except for SOME PEOPLE [who tend to be women, strangely]). Sometimes, a perceived past will promote perceived present persecution. For the sake of fun, sometimes hands get cut off.

I've worked out a pattern for life - I'll leave it at that. I had written some more, but it all suddenly got so depressing. Eech.

I'm a shrewd businessman, I think. You got your guns, and you got your butter, but I think that too much of a discount is placed on the shell of the turtle who has placed some lucrative bets in his life. Shit falls apart, but he held out because he could, and sucked the bone down to the last bit of marrow while the meteorites rained across his back. Now, in some magical dreamscape, the fools are biding their time, rubbing their hands, imagining all the glories and trinkets that will befall them while they wrap their heads around that which they've convinced themselves is beautiful, and yeah, the loveseat just got a little more comfortable but My God, DO YOU SEE THIS?! I'll catch you on the other side, where your hands are empty.

Moving from past to present across your radio dial, the hero of our story has been a busy bee, dancing a fool and digging for honey where he smells it. Struck gold a couple times and the aftertaste wasn't to his liking, but he already swallowed so he's stuck with the shame that will be attached to his gravestone for the centuries to mock. Rocks are knocked and the fear of losing your stones at first at least will leave you holding them out of the wind.

I have some projects going on, in various stages. I think maybe later today I'll finish up working on one or more of them.

Oh, and if you think I'm writing about you (and I know you do!), I'm not.

Prime Minister's Question Time

2007-10-09T23:02:00.000-04:00

Lets create a small ruckus here...

This is limited purely to my blog, in its multiple manifestations. I will be speaking of this nowhere else. If you are reading this, you are reading something special. You are something special. Congratulations!

Ask me a question. It can be via comment, IM, phone, in person, email, message, something you draw with your fingers on my skin as we both lay naked in the dark, surrounded by the afterglow of our lovemaking, Any way it takes for you to get me the question will be accepted. Actually, ask me as many questions as you want. It can be a personal question, an advice question, a question with an absolute verifiable answer, or a crazy hypothetical. Whatever.

This will go until 11:59 PM on Friday, October 12, 2007. I will answer every question to the best of my ability completely honestly over my blog, and if you want to be anonymous in asking the question, that's fine. Otherwise, you'll get full credit.

So go ahead. Ask me anything. As many anythings as you like. I don't think you have anything to lose. :-)

Lets Rip The Top Off One More Time

2007-10-05T22:17:00.001-04:00

There is no use denying that I get affected easily, but its only when I let myself be. Its only when I allow myself to hope about a person that that person is subsequently able to get me fucking Riled.

See, the Sun is a beautiful thing. Stare at the Sun for too long, though, and it stabs you in the fucking eye. I've learned that before, and puhleeze believe me- THIS ONE SMALL SHORT ISOLATED INCIDENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY PAST TIMES. I just should know fucking better. Know fucking better that nostalgia is fleeting. Know fucking better that Mistakes are made.

It's a cycle. Not a vicious cycle. Just a cycle. It never gets worse. It always just stays bad. On the upswing, shit looks good. Shit looks viable. Shit looks smart. And then shit goes to shit and who is to blame but the souls who should have known better in the first place. I'll see them again when they're back on top, in the process of slipping back down the hill.

Like most things, I shouldn't be upset. The Bed was made months ago. Decades ago, in theory. If it looks comfortable, then who am I to deny a weary soul to lie down in it? It's all a game anyway, right? If I'm no longer a player, I wouldn't know what's going on. I can only mindlessly pontificate based on years of past glory. Years of fleeting glory. You come up, you do good, and before you know it, you're replaced.

That's fine. I bumped my head . I touched the stove. I bit my tongue. I can take it. I'm learning; I won't be fooled again.

Christ, nobody assume what I'm saying. You'd have to be a pretty good damn student to understand.

Monday, October 1, 2007

2007-10-01T17:20:00.000-04:00

This may be my most controversial sub entry yet, but I stand by my decisions.

So the reg leaves me a video to show the kids for the duration of the period and an assignment to go with it. Not a big deal- at least I don't have to teach the ignorant fools, just keep quiet so you're not disturbing the others, right?

Apparently, that's not so easy for some, who talked. I have a seating chart, I wrote down their name so the reg can deal with them later. Later, the kids who were talking ask to go to the restroom, and I flat-out refuse. Other kids I let go, but not them, and why? This isn't a hard story to follow.

Gradually all the girls (and they were all girls) band together and complain that I'm not letting any of them go because they are girls, and are having "girl problems" (which for all the world look like they have to go pee, which I sometimes do myself). Still, I refuse, and let other girls who weren't talking go. You break the rules, you lose the privileges.

The single mistake I made was allowing them to call their parents, but it is not as if they asked. That ended up kinda being fun, though, as I was able to look a girl in the eye as I told her mother that No Ma'am, I will not be allowing your daughter to go to the bathroom today. Keep in mind- this is 15 damn minutes before the class ends. I hold it eight hours every day; You can hold it 3.125% of that. So parents got called, and nothing happened, so the girls decided Hey! Let's all just leave!

Anyway, class ends, and I go talk with their administrator to make sure my side is heard in case of any dirtiness. He had talked to the parents who called and told them the same thing I did - Hey, there's 5 minutes left, just chill dammit. He also told me I was completely right. I am the boss of the classroom. Needless to say, I'm going to have some damn swagger when I teach the same class tomorrow.

The teacher suggested I write "How should you act when you have a Substitute Teacher?" on the board as part of a behavioral warm up question today. When I made it back to the classroom, I erased it and in its place wrote "When the regular teacher is away, who is the unyielding absolute dictator of the classroom?"

It can be a crap job sometimes, but Oh Boy! The Benefits!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

2007-09-26T04:28:00.000-04:00

Funny First Names of My Students Today:

Ambrish
Caycoo
Jisoo (not related)
J'Len
J'Yah (not related)
Shandalier
Shuneeshia

And the all-time greatest first name of anyone who I have ever met.....

Tupacshakur

OH MY GOD! Tupacshakur! One word! First name! Normal last name! And the boy is only 14- which means he was born WELL BEFORE 'Pac was shot. AHHH! Sometimes, I swear I love God.

September 24, 2007

2007-09-24T17:35:00.000-04:00

I have never before had such bipolar classes. When they were bad, I had to move like half the class to another room, all while being called Faggot. When they were good, I had 14 year old girls giving me their phone number.

Tuesday September 18, 2007

2007-09-20T15:00:00.000-04:00

I go to pick up my fifth grade class from the music room where they've been watching a Schoolhouse Rock video for 30 minutes, and I find that the sub in there is just letting them have nap time (oh man, I wish I cared as little about anything as she did about that class). Anyway, a kid complains to me that while he was laying down, another kid purposefully stepped on his head, and yet another one did something else that I wasn't quite able to catch. I let it be an accident and assume that'll be the end of it. Fifteen minutes after the class got back to the room, he has his head down, crying. I send him to the office to make sure he's alright, and they send back a messenger calling for the kid who stepped on him. I send him, and later they both make it back, looking sullen. The kid who had before been crying walks over to the other kid who had hurt him yet had not been called to the office and tells him -one ten-year-old to another ten-year-old- "I'm coming for you."

A Few Paragraphs From the Dark

2007-08-21T04:57:00.000-04:00

Consider yourself lucky for reading this. Most people don't let strangers in their head the way I do. I've gone into this before, but it's a serious sucktastic thing how we all guard our true thoughts, histories, identities. Why hold yourself back, right? What, is it too dangerous to let people know that you have a soul?

Lets get into an example. I have this ex girlfriend, and I vividly remember what her ass looks like. It's a great ass, totally worth remembering, so much so that I sometimes remember it better than her face. I like to think that in 15 years, I will still remember it as well as I do today, but I mean, it's 15 years, and I'll probably find an even better ass to replace it. That's kind of the way things go. You find someone, and all you can think about is them, because all these different parts of who they are have displaced what you remember from other people in the past. Sooner or later, though, other people with other, better features will come along and displace even those. Hopefully, I mean. Truthfully, it would probably be a terrible thing if 15 years from now I'm still dreaming of the asses from my past, even if the women I know then will likely be showing their age down there.

There's this other girl I know, or knew, or something. We never dated, but we were... close. I swear to God, one time, she was laying in my arms, and I looked down at her, and just the way the lighting, her hair -everything- was, I was flabbergasted, she looked exactly like a man. Like, not even in that 'masculine' way, because I normally never thought she had those kinds of features, I just felt like if I had walked into the room just then, never knowing her, I would have seen myself cuddling with a man with boobs. I felt sick about it, though, not because of how she looked, but rather because when I looked at her like that, I almost wanted nothing to do with her. Ha! I just typed 'him' instead of 'her.' Anyway, I started thinking of ways to get out of her presence, but never followed through with any of them because I have morals. Anyway, what she existed as, the way we would talk, and the great way I felt around her, that's what drew me to her. But change that one variable, and it's as if the world shifts.

I'm sick like that. In my own mind, I allow myself infinite space to trash, criticize, or think less of people, even as I would never say such things because that makes it less certain ('I have a hypothesis... That bitch ugly.') and doesn't tie me to the statements. However, outside of those for whom I hold my deepest hatred, I find myself bushwhacked by the idea that someone who has had a fair shot at my personality could think the same thing of me (not so much in looks- I put in effort, but we all see the world through our own prisms). That's a normal defense mechanism for people, though. I think what I need to recognize is that there are millions of people I will encounter in my lifetime, and it is far less satisfying to dwell on their individual characteristics -good or bad- than to appreciate the beauty that they all represent within the human experience.

:-) that makes me wonder if aliens or sentient beings from alternate realities would ever be like 'You think your experience is beautiful? Whatever. That's nothing. You don't understand beauty unless you go through my experience.'

Aliens are assholes.

Requiem for a Dichotomy

2007-08-17T13:03:00.000-04:00

About one year ago, I lived through a social earthquake. There were tremors, the land rose and fell under me, and when the aftershocks were through, the terrain had been altered. I don't know why it happened, and I am sick of trying to rationalize it. Imagine that you were friends with everyone in Hiroshima the day before the first atomic bomb was dropped, except instead of them dying, they just kinda gave you the finger and walked into the ocean, and all the ones left over were just as baffled as you.

See, I had the two Dereks, but one had always kinda flourished over the other, because of proximity. Starting in middle school, I knew people, and I still know them. I just kinda stuck to them as time grew on, and we became closer, or not so, but they were always kind of there, even after 12 years. Because of that, my original middle school persona, mixed with a little of the 'good' or 'modern' Derek as time went on, persisted through life. That's what they knew me as, and while I was able to show them other sides of what I was, I never really got rid of the idea that I was the same weird person I had been for lo those many years. The other side- not so much, because the connections I made through that weren't as strong, because I didn't spend as much time with them.

I'd like to think of my life as a fish perpetually out of water, except that I think most people are like that, because I can't think of a life in which I would be perfectly at ease the whole time. I cling to what works because it's familiar, and because I feel compelled to challenge myself through it. Like, if I was playing baseball, and someone came along with a football in hand, and offered to play with me. I love football, mind you, but proverbailly, I would say 'nah, I think I'm going to see how good I can get with this baseball thing.' That becomes old, though, to people having to watch you go through the same motions, and getting what to them appear to be the same results. I wish they would realize that this is practice, this isn't a game. Maybe they see a lack of respect when I practice in the middle of their game, that might be it.

For as much experience as I've had with the old Derek, it really was just practice. The game, what I truly cared about, that was happening on the other side of the wall. When people get really upset with me, then I understand that what I was doing was wrong. But otherwise, the problems that I had when I was coming up -- never having any female attention from schoolmates, lack of a significant connection with a singular other person, my hilarious prom debacle -- never really registered to me because what I was really proud of, what really worked in my mind was what I was ultimately damn good at. What I ultimately am still damn good at.

So a year ago, everything shifted. Many, many people turned their attentions from me forever. Others altered theirs. Some of the most significant relationships I've had with other human beings over my lifetime will never be the same as they were before. Finally, I'm ok with that. Because what I think I've missed is that that happens. To everyone. I don't think that anyone I know has tried to hold on to something that time, distance, and life is always destined to break as much as I have. It's an uncomfortable thing, but who you are and who you were will always inevitably reach a shattering point. That's what I wish those darn girls on The Hills would understand, but hey, they're getting paid to sit in the dark over it, so maybe it's for the best.

Many people's experiences are certainly a lot more peaceful than mine, but many people's experiences are a lot more violent than mine. For that reason, I'm thankful that I'm not what a lot of people think I am. I'm thankful that I made it through to today. I'm thankful, not only that I have the people and situations that I have today, but that I am strong enough and smart enough to be able to stand, look around, and understand the beautiful place that such a tumultuous time has propelled me toward. And I drop a daisy in the creek in my mind for the peace that follows. I know it won't, of course, but I've been through it, and it'll be a damn good bit more expedient through the second time. I say I love who I used to be, I say I respect what took it away, and I say what survives is nothing more than absolute Providence.

An Essential History of Derek Davis, Part III

2007-08-15T11:35:00.000-04:00

In Essence Divided

I started High School with a pre-existing cache of friends, which I had never had before. What's more is I was easily able to develop new friends out of them. It went with having a niche. It was great; however, among the people that had an idea of who I was established for so long as being so far from something that they wanted themselves to be associated with, matters would eventually be harder to overcome. It was a glass-half-full situation, and it wouldn't be resolved for a while. It still isn't, kind of. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

See, as I had never seen friends within school, I had sure as hell never seen friends out of school. My parents didn't help matters by watching the news, leading to their irrational fear of life, leading to their packing up and moving my lonely ass away from civilization, leading to no friends around here except for bugs. It was kind of a revolution when a friend of mine asked if I wanted to hang out. I went with it, y'know whatever, no big deal, right? You weren't in my head.

This happened, then it happened again, then it happened with someone else. Soon enough, second nature, I was all about it. Then the earth was shaken. I don't want to overstate this, so I'll just say that tapestries were shredded, mountains were shifted, the souls of men the world over were glazed with an ethereal lacquer unlike what had ever been before understood. This was something new. See, I had a friend. My friend had a friend. A girl friend. No biggie, but his girl had a girl friend. And they three wanted to hang out with me.

Even today, I don't know what happened. I don't even know if it was kind of a set-up. Maybe they didn't care what happened so long as they got to have oral sex in the back of the theatre. (Aside: Me, I was never so ambitious. I don't think I ever thought even to dive in to 2nd base until like 5 dates in. Lucky for me- she dumped me the next day.) Within me, though, there was a very VERY significant change. I realized before meeting them that this person could very easily not exist and it would change nothing in my life. On the reverse side, she had none of the pre-existing qualms about me as a person that everyone else had. She was fresh, clean. I realized that if I could overcome goddamn YEARS of programming in people that said I was not someone to be dealt with, then I have absolutely nothing to worry about with a stranger. In that moment, I knew it. I knew that finally, I had what it took to be pushed together with a complete stranger and within the span of a few hours, charm, wit, and humor them into submission. That day, I stepped out of the door not with any apprenehsion, full of the confidence that I knew what it would take, and if it didn't work, what did I lose?

In short, it was a fucking triumph. I was smart, I was funny, I was charming. Within days, I had my first modern-age girlfriend. And she was hot! I felt pretty great walking into (and out of) the situation since it was actually my friend who got stuck with the fat one (when he showed me their picture, and pointed out which was his, I resisted the urge to ask 'are you sure?'). The relationship itself was a farce of a travesty (lovelorn as I was, I was convinced a week in that I would marry her, and soon all of the charm I came in guns-blazing with was replaced with pathetic devotion), but I don't give a damn about that. It was the beginning of something tremendous, something I had never known before. None of us knew it at the time, but what we witnessed that day was the birth of the modern Derek Davis.

It was never something I could show to all the people who had no idea I had it in me. I still struggle to understand why I couldn't bring it back to the people who spent the most time around me, at school. There might be something to the fact that I could never fit a completely new persona into a hole inhabited by a false perception. No one so used to me being what I was before would willingly give me a shot at even ground to re-establish myself on. So I opened myself up a hole with undue generosity. I saved my lunch money over a few days and, in no uncertain terms, paid off a person who rather viciously disliked me in exchange for access to him and his friends. Over the following weeks, I barraged them with what I was, and what I could be if considered in a vacuum. And I won them over. They eventually became some of my best friends, because for once, I felt equilibrium between what I had and what I wanted to be.

On the other side, yeah, I got dumped by my first-ever girlfriend. But I was still rather insane over her, so I stuck around. I started hitting on her friends, and dating them. I honestly preferred her, but if I could maintain both my persona, the ability to win people over that went along with it, as well as contact and things in common with her, hell, I'd take it. See, here was the area where I had the full freedom to create my own history, to absolutely control people's perceptions of me. I like to think of it as my super power. Yeah, I talked about the weird stuff from my past, but I controlled the context, and I was able to turn it from bizarre to cute. And it was so easy. I knew what needed to be done, but I never once overexerted myself to pull it off. Cake.

And so I went forward like that. Split. Two people for two groups. One set of parameters drawn by the past, one by the present. There were ups and downs and dramas and disturbances, but talking about how anything went on up to the present would simply be tracing back over lines I've already drawn. Up to about this time one year ago, equilibrium was maintained...

An Essential History of Derek Adam Davis, Part II

2007-07-31T11:09:00.001-04:00

Note: This whole story is by no means the be-all-end-all history of Derek Davis. It is not 'Essential' in the way that understanding it is understanding me. Rather, it is 'Essential' in the way that I feel a need to walk my way through it in order to talk about other matters which I will when I finish it.

Part II: A New Hope

When my grandmother died, monetary constraints kept me from being able to go on a large trip with my 8th grade class. To make up for this, my mom got wind through her job in the FL Dept of Health that tobacco companies were financing a week-long trip for kids to a (sa-weet) resort in Tampa for purposes of anti-drug education/mobilization. It was here that I hit a major wall and had my perceptions re-aligned for all of my life to come. See, the people that I met there were people who I had entirely no pre-existing relationship with, and thus for the first time I recognized the power of a blank slate. Sure, there is no getting around the weirdness cache that follows with being Derek Davis, but these people had no history with me to refer to when judging my worthiness of their presence.

What followed, and surely the most important result of all of this, is that for the first time, my value as a person was judged as an equal, not someone on any higher or lower level of existence. This led to me taking them in on the same level. For the first time ever, I found myself becoming keenly aware of valuable characteristics of my personality that had before gone unnoticed or unrealized: wit, intelligence, friendliness, etc. If any of these existed before I went on that trip, I had no idea. Any chances they ever had of coming out were extinguished either by others' obstinate rejection of me, or by my own fears that my true personality would be insufficient. For the first time, I also learned the incredible powers of 'Chill,' which isn't so much relevant to this discussion, but was certainly the starting point of all my realizations.

It wasn't all this great step forward, however. At one -surprisingly pivotal- point, we were doing team-building exercises, and I jokingly introduced myself as 'Pedro,' because come on, I'm so fucking white it's painful. Who would take me seriously? Apparently, every person there. So for the rest of the trip, I was Pedro. I grew to not mind it, though. In the same way that people making major changes to their life will change their name to reflect that they are a 'new person,' I decided to take on Pedro as my name to reflect my new personality revelations (at age 11). So when I got back to school, the first thing I do? Stand up and announce to everyone my new name. Result? On the whole, not fantastic. Just another example of weird Derek being weird, and the status quo remains intact.

Whatever. I don't know if I expected an immediate change in the way I was handled, but I certainly didn't get it. It was enough for me, I think, to be able to look at someone who I recognized as having value because others gave him value, tell a joke based on our conversation, and have him laugh at what I said, purely on my level, as a recognition of the mutual understanding between us. That was fucking amazing to me. I shouldn't say that I had no friends up to this point, because I did, but they were more friends of necessity than anything else. If you categorize everyone by what table they sat at in the cafeteria based on what they had in common, you would place me and them in the 'other' category. Going back to value, nobody placed theirs in us, so we placed ours in each other, begrudgingly, because we could recognize that we didn't deserve value ourselves.

After everything that happened, though, I grew to understand that if I were to build a bridge with people, if I were to establish the mutual understanding to a large enough level, I would gain their trust, with their respect following after. So that's what I did. And that specifically did not take long. I had a large large number of minds to change, and that would take fucking forever, but I honestly never cared outside of my wildest fantasies about winning over every person who disliked me. It was enough for me to recognize the worth that people had, not as haves or have-nots, but merely on their value as people. With that being the case, the few people who I did build rapport with were godsends. They were the people with which I most closely identified: funny and intelligent, with a sense of outsiderness. I suppose that is the basis for the establishment of most friendships, but for me, that was all entirely foreign.

This was the wave that I rode into High School on.

An Essential History of Derek Adam Davis, Part I

2007-07-11T23:24:00.000-04:00

Part I: Genesis and Tribulation

For as far back as I can remember, I've been smart. Let's not dwell on the nuts and bolts of that, as it's not something as easy as just stating, and I don't want to go around purporting to be some kind of alpha male, but just for a really long time, I've been thought and spoken of as 'a/the smart kid,' and that's really what I'm thinking about now.

When I was young, and I was scoring better than my classmates on things, it was just something weird that people made me feel good about- along with being tall and potty trained. Then in first grade my backwards ass private school gave us a backwards ass standardized test (I believe the acronym for it was, in fact, SAT, but like SAT junior) and decided, based on the fact that I scored better than anyone else in the (still backward ass, mind you) school, that I should just go ahead and consider the next year to never have existed. My family went apeshit, and I was happy for them. When you're young, you don't ever feel great about things that happen with long-term significance unless they have great short-term results, which this one didn't. I would have been happier to have a new action figure, honestly. But they were happy, and blown away, as was the third grade class whose laps I fell into. A bunch of people two years my senior voted me 'Most Intelligent' of their group (the year before, I had been voted 'Most Popular,' a fact which would prove TREMENDOUSLY ironic as my life went on [e.g. Number of girlfriends from age 0-6: 4, number of girlfriends in the seven years thereafter: Zero.]).

For some reason, I considered them harmless, though. Not so harmless was the prospect of leaving that school and going to a public school. I'm still not entirely sure why I left. I remember my mom talking about how much the backward ass private school cost us, but when I asked her about it later, she said she moved me because that kind of school wasn't exactly made for a student like me (and in hindsight, maybe they weren't- I mean, hell, they were zipping me through there in record time because their own curriculum couldn't keep up with my development). So I enlisted at my local department of education for their 'special kids' program and was promptly enlisted at the 'smart kids' school 3rd-closest to me (you know, white kid quotas and all).

I think I can understand the southern/rural fear of 'Elite Liberal New Englanders' because I myself went through it with public school looming. I'd been used to seeing the 'reality' of public elementary school through television, with their nerds, and bullies, and rich kids, and the haves and the have nots and JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY I would die before being a have not, because oh boy did they have it harder than the haves. So, when I got there, I lied. A lot. I made it known that my family is from Hollywood, and we owned go karts and go kart tracks in all 50 states, among other things. And from that point on, nothing true mattered. It didn't matter if my family made any more money or had any more things than anyone else in there (it shouldn't matter, anyway, considering that I had no idea if it that were the case and fuck all anyway because that was way before material goods should mean anything to anybody).

The result of it all was not that I got any more respect, which is what I wanted, but that no one could respect me, because anything they respected was not what I was. What I was was afraid, with that fear manifesting itself in a whole damn lotta ways. I was hyperactive, and defensive, and abrasive, and aloof, and all the things that it would behoove me not to be. A lot of people would ask me if I was just desperate for attention, and in truth, I was. I wanted someone to talk to me on my level, and just straight up like me and not say hurtful things toward me, but from where I saw it, that wasn't attention. There was good attention- kind of what you got from getting good grades at school, and bad attention- arson, murder, and throwing shit.

Where it really started getting weird is when it started kinda to morph, during the late elementary-early middle school period. I still lied, I remember I crafted this remarkable lie whereby to prove my social worth I made the point that I was sexually active (nevermind the fact that I was SO far from what any girl who knew me would consider to be 'desirable'), proven by the fact that I had knocked up a girl at age 11 (I ran a lot during this time- like, everywhere- and used this to justify how the doctors had found that I had high metabolism, and thus had started puberty before EVERYONE else). But sometimes, I would test out saying things- be they truth or otherwise- that I would say simply to understand how people would react. One of the first ways in which I got to be REALLY good at affecting people was through elicitation of pity. I cried a lot, talked about how I hated myself, actually got my teachers to call my parents because they were worried about me harming myself (in the sixth grade). Sure, what I got was one of the purest forms of negative attention (I mean, who could respect that, at all?), but people were actively affected by me, rather than t'other way 'round, and it became my bag because it was something so new to me. I was no longer a fly to be swatted. I loved it. Of course, eventually people caught on to my game and got used to it, and I got swatted again- probably worse, because now I was the weird kid who cried.

Then, in the middle of the eighth grade, a death in my family sparked a succession of events which completely altered how I looked at and dealt with the people around me...

Open Letter II

2007-06-23T23:29:00.001-04:00

Note: Unlike the last Open Letter, this one is actually meant for a single live real person. Whee!

Hold on, man. Don't run away just because I looked at you. I know you're mad at me. I don't quite know why, but it honestly makes no consequence to me. Actually, I think that's the part that makes you madder than anything at me. I won't be mad at you, though. Probably never. There are lots and lots of things in life that are a bunch more important than being mad at a person. Especially when you like them, like I like you. You have one of the most unique perspectives I've ever seen in my life. So why shouldn't I act like everything's cool? To me, everything is.

The thing I kinda don't get is how it seems like you have to not like me. Like, you have to have somebody to not like. It's hard, I know, because lots of people, including me, like you, because you're cool. But there always has to be a villain with you. I don't get that. What's wrong with accepting the world and being grateful? Let me just put it this way- You're young, you're smart, people like you, you have so damn much opportunity. I say focus on that. Anger shouldn't be something you have to experience once an hour to feel complete, like how some people do cigarettes. I really hope I don't come off as patronizing here, because I know very little. I've been through that, though, and it's not good for anyone. All I'm saying is- next time I look at you, say Hi. I'll do the same.

-DD

Kind of a Manifesto

2007-06-15T01:46:00.000-04:00

I need to start this with two undeniable truths-

I. If you are female, age 16-30, I want to see you naked.

II. You, for whatever reason, don't want me to see you naked.

See, there are a lot of people who don't want me to see them naked, just as there are a lot of people who I want to see naked. What perplexes me is how 1 connects to 2, just as how 2 connects back to 1, and that is what I'm going to try to do here now. But, I know that with all those people, there will be a whole buncha answers, both tangible and intangible, and to the best of my ability, I want to cover all of my bases, so this may get a bit LONG. Just bear with me. Also, I may at times switch from 'females' to 'women' to 'you' with regard to my subjects. It's just something I do.

When I think about the differences between myself and others with regard to this subject, I set it up thusly: If I were to ask any random woman if I could see her naked, she would outright refuse. If any random woman asked to see me naked, I would ask 'Why?' What is the difference there?! How is the world set up such that my request is taken not only without regard, but absolutely rejected as if it were an impulse?

I suppose I should start with myself - Why do I want to see you naked? It's not a simple explanation, much as I think you would assume it to be. I think you would assume it to be some sort of sexual thing, which I think is an absolutely narcissistic way of thinking of my request. What makes you so damn special that I would go out of my way to pursue seeing you, a relatively average person, naked? I mean, consider the level of difficulty it would take to actually achieve my goal, were that it, relative to the tremendous level of accessibility that the internet affords those who are in search of nude people who are far, FAR more attractive than you. Honestly, you are nothing special, I'm sorry to say. Every girl has those parts, and all of the rest of the world, when looking at you wearing clothes, knows exactly what is underneath. There is NOTHING that you have that they don't have. Seriously. Even if it's something weird, I guarantee you that in less than five minutes I can see a naked woman with anything you have for free.

So then what is it? When I search deep into my soul, I find that the reason I want so badly to see a woman naked is exactly because of the reasons that she has for keeping me from seeing her. Me personally, I absolutely love what some would call secrets. I feel like, in the eternal pursuit of knowledge over the span of one's life, there is nothing more valuable than the knowledge that one person would stake their lives to keep others from knowing- shame, and fear of reaction to that shame. Now, one's nudity isn't quite to the level of shame, as much as God would make the point that they are absolutely equal (and perhaps that tradition is what this all is borne out of), but it is very nearly as powerful- just as one can never erase the truly shameful events of their past, one can never change what they look like naked, at least concerning the basic features all humans of a particular gender share. To know what a person looks like naked is to know --and forever know-- one of the truths that they are confronted with every day, and yet hide from nearly every other person that they encounter. It is to be privileged with a kind of sacred truth that can never be taken back.

I suppose that, at a basic level, is the most common reason for a woman to keep herself from being seen in such a state, but it is always more complicated than that. For example, a pair of female friends were once in my presence discussing their nipples (these things happen). One felt she wasn't making a strong enough point, so she positioned herself turning away from me, but still within the sight of the other female, and proceesed to, I suppose, illustrate her point physically. Am I supposed to get aroused by a goddamn nipple? That is the only thing that I can imagine would differentiate myself from the other person. It's kind of the same reasoning for keeping gays out of locker rooms. The mere possibility that I could get aroused by the smallest, most irrational inch (or however large they were) of another's body for what it is -and not what a woman makes it through clothes, makeup, etc- is considered so taboo that I MUST be kept out of the loop.

I can't help but wonder where it starts. In childhood we're taught to fear ourselves in this way, and most certainly to fear others' interests in ourselves in this way. That's absolutely the right thing to do there. With the onset of adulthood, however, people are gifted with abstract abilities such as the recognition of dangerous situations that such preadolescent lessons are meant to guard against, and thus they become nullified. Blindly, we follow them still until we are so wound with shame and resentment that our own personal philosophies become muddled with amendments and situational allowances. Religion is a similar jumping-off point, but not one that is as easily condemnable, as the acceptance of a religion is the acceptance of a wholly separate definition for one's self such that the application of any foreign tenets is incompatible. I will say, however, that when one starts applying the tenets of their religion on a case-by-case basis, then that person is no better than the first type of person I mentioned: confused, fearful, and selfish.

What would it take to get access? I mean, it's remarkably easy. Most guys my age and situation have been able to get to the point of seeing what girls have been trying to hide at least once in their lives. All it takes to get back is just to replicate the scenario. Toss in alcohol or impressive feats or money, and it gets easier and easier. Without any of these things, and interest in what lies beneath the fabrics is viewed as a perversion; however, after I buy you dinner, oh, that all becomes VERY understandable. Likewise, most girls have also allowed their will to break and shown off what they've been hiding at least once. The problem for me is that still, STILL this charade goes on that it's something worth holding on to. It's selfish, and a little bit desperate. Everyone has given away their secrets for a price less than they were haggling for, and it won't be the last time. Why do we lie to ourselves?

It's not necessarily a bad thing, is my point. I feel like a striking number of women do not understand or appreciate their youth for what it is. In the case of the demographic that I mentioned above, I can guarantee that their ability to replicate their bodies being in such a state will diminish exponentially as years pass until they are at a point where the number of people who have seen them naked will overtake the number of people who want to see them naked. And in those years, I hope it was worth it. I hope whatever reason you have- religious, unspecified personal convictions, whatever- I hope you get what you were looking for out of it. But if it's all kind of unclear, if you really don't know why it is you hold everything back, I really fear that you're wasting your life. Admittedly, this is a teeny part of the all-encompassing 'life,' but it is certainly symptomatic of a lack of understanding of the gifts one has been given in life, and a predisposition to hold back and deny others the joy of our true selves.

Open Letter

2007-06-06T18:04:00.000-04:00

Hey baby, how was your day? I think we need to talk.

See, baby, I think we've been having problems for a while now, and I don't ever get a chance to tell you how I feel about them. You don't know what I'm talking about? That may be why we've been having problems for so long. See, it used to be like every problem I had I could come to you and we could talk about it and we would compromise and we would go on, be happy. Lately, though, baby, for a few months, closer to a year, really actually, you kinda refuse to listen to my stuff.

And me, I don't know how to deal with that, so I just shut up and let you go ahead because it's clear you don't want to talk. And see, I don't want to make this out to be a negative thing, because it's clear that I do this because I love you. Aw, that's sweet baby, I love it when you say things like that about me. But still, I'm sick of coming to you, and the moment I point out the problems we're having, you just turn it back on me with a 'You know why I can't stand you sometimes? Because you talk about how I can't stand you. I hate that.' My point is, how are we going to fix a problem when one of us really REALLY wants to fix it, and the other just blows him off for mentioning it?

And other times, I'll be getting along with you so well, when suddenly you get all kinds of frosty toward me, and when I ask what's wrong you run off to your room and lock the door on me. How am I supposed to react to that? I mean, yeah, I could leave myself, but I care about you. If I did something wrong, i want to fix it, and I want to know from you what I can do. I love you. I'll do what it takes. But it's like you want me to ignore it so we can just be happy until you wordlessly get mad at me later and it starts again.

We've been together for so long, baby, and I never once considered life without you. Lately, though, it seems like you're dead-set for that course, and I don't know how to feel about it all. Maybe I'm stupid, baby, but I believe in us. When we're together, when we're free and open, and happy together, there is nothing more perfect in the world. Why would you do this to me? I've always made it my business to be as honest as possible with you, and now it feels like the girl I've known for so long has never been what I thought she was.

It's been so long, I feel like I can't have just done one thing, but it seems like I have, and I can't even fathom why one thing would cause you to act so weird for so long. I'm the same person I always was. You, knowing who I am, should be able to expect pretty much anything from me by now. Why, then, is that suddenly not enough? And more than this, how can you just let it go on like this. It's like you have just forgotten about me. Me, who used to mean so much to you. Me, who has done so much for you. Me, who made just about as much of an impact on you as a man can make with the time you have given me.

I just want to talk. I want to work this out, so we can be happy again, hopefully together.

Love and miss you,
-DD

I like girls too

2007-05-28T03:10:00.000-04:00

Lets start a theme.... this all will one day be bound and printed and taught in grade schools, right? So lets build a running anthem that broadcasts a picture into my mind...

I don't like these bisexuals you see today. For one thing, why are they bisexuals? For another, they're not even bisexuals. And they besmirch the good name of bisexuals by telling other people that "Seriously, guys, I dig girls too. Look!"

It's a youth thing, that's what gets at me so much. With the kissing and the girls going wild and the thongs and the raincoats that don't cover your ankles and the OH MY I'm having a heart attack... But yeah, there are a lot of things that start this, and they all irritate me. Like kissing girls. Why do you do that?! "Guys like it" Guys like to think that you are something that you are not. And then, out of that, they build a false impression of who you are, get to liking you for it, and next thing you know, you're impregnated on false pretenses. I get pissed at a lot of things over that eventuality, you'll find. I also get pissed off at it because you're pussies! Making a move like that is like playing russian roulette with a water pistol. You want to make a statement? You rub your face in some goddamn vagina and come up smiling! It's a meaningless act. Simple, idle, growing more and more worthless by the second, and I will never respect you for it. (Except, maybe for if you do it with your cousin, videotape it, and put it on youtube. That's just some whole 'nother level of balls)

But lets take it deeper. What if they are not quite willing to make the jump across the lake but maybe they'll skip over a puddle? Maybe, after being married fifteen years (in my fantasies married people get hitched at 12 or not at all [but they don't have sex til 17- it's all about the emotions]) maybe it's his birthday and maybe she's decided that he's gone down on me enough over my life, let's find someone and make her do it while he watches? And since Lord knows she would die before letting him pick the confederate, she picks her neighbor, or coworker, or sister, somebody close, that she trusts, and then.... Let me just make this preface right here, ladies, if ever we are married and I honestly do make a run at getting you into a three-way with me, I'm doing it to make you suffer. That moment, where I'm going down on her, and you're going down me, and everybody's moaning, and suddenly I stop and I pull out and everybody's quiet except for my whisper, "Now I wanna see you do her." The 50 seconds of horror on your face as it travels between one set of genitals to another would be worth the preceding 50 years of marriage. Lucky for you I'd never do that because I'm a nice guy and I don't think walking across a rope pulled taut by jealousy is worth the true payoff of any multiple-partner sex, unless I'm being paid.

Of course, you could get me back by diving on in. See, the truth could be, hey, maybe you really are bisexual. But I'm not that forgiving. See, maybe you think you are. Maybe a guy pissed you off, and your female friend comes over to console you, and you're crying, and she's rubbing your back, and suddenly, you sniffle one last time, look up into her eyes, and.... hey, how do these things start anyway? Where is the moment where you say 'Hey, i think I'm bi!'? Cuz see, working with youth as I do, there really is no moment for you to really 'experiment.' Or, I don't think there is. Do adolescents really feel comfortable enough to tell their girlfriends 'Have you ever thought of kissing other girls ... I mean, not what like we did at the party last weekend..." because then she might think you're a little too into it to make out with you at parties in order to get boys to like you, and if you lose that, what else do you have to offer?! No, friends are too valuable. Do you dare walking the other path, into the semi-predatory dens of known lesbianism? Oh no, you're much too naiive for that. See, my point is this- Fuck you if you 'just decided' that you're bi. Cuz that will more than likely change, you more than likely aren't in it for the long, because you more than likely can't stick with it, so (and I'm just assuming here, but) on behalf of all those who really REALLY are bi, or at least those who get paid for pretending, yeah, fuck off.

So that gets me to the really real real bisexuals. I got nothing against them, because to me they've dealt with enough shit from both sides. It's like year after year of vacillating, bobbing, swaying, until you finally just give up and scream "FUCK IT! I'll do what I feel!" Cuz see, it's that kind of suffering that initiates you to the human race. The straights and the gays have to deal with it, and bullshit to you if you decide early on that you're just gonna escape to the other side of the kitchen when the one gets too hot for ya. There's a certain amount of pain you have to lurch through before anyone will adequately believe you deserve to be a human. Until then, on the serious, pay more attention to where you're sticking your tongue, and if you label yourself in one more way that is not absofuckinglutely true and it gives me a false characterization of you.... I'mma be pissed.

The Great Communicator

2007-05-22T19:17:00.000-04:00

I've got a secret. Normally I wouldn't just go throwin it out there, but it's May sweeps, and I gotta compete with the mass media (I got a comment last time! I'm a hit!). Here's my secret: I'm a fraud.

Totally utter complete fraud. What do you know about me? Lies. What you know about me is what I want you to know about me. The parts of my personality that you have seen are the parts of my personality that I decide you should know about me, if they're even part of my personality. I hooked up with a girl once. Later, in a moment of foolish honesty I told her 'Never trust me.' Later, when I tried to stick her with the red hot poker, she turned me down, citing what I said so long ago. Maybe she was easy, but she wasn't so easy as to be stupid.

I might have been stupid, though, but I doubt it. See, what happened when you look into my soul, when I open myself up, when I let you see what is inside, it's pretty good. The point of this isn't to go all on about how great I am (and I mean really, don't I do that enough?) I saw that I had gotten one over on her before, and I could probably do it again, but she was a nice person. Mostly they all are, or else I hurt them (in a NICE way), but I needed to let her know, and I think it probably worked out better for the both of us.

I think the reason I told her is because I don't trust myself for what I know I can and have done. When there is something I want, I'm not terrible at getting it. For all the ooh ooh social awkwardness that goes on the lion's share of the time, it's countered by hella kickin mad fly skillz when I have... um, direction. Think about it, if you're privy- I've done pretty well for myself for someone who sets himself up like I do. I win people over in waves sumpin like a bunch of the time. I don't trust myself, though, because in these moments I get scared of being like those other people. Those other people, they want sex, inebriation, and lasciviousness just a little too much. But, hey, if you're one of those people, nothing against ya therr, I just think you're drippin with weakness and inadequacy. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT (Jesus).

But yeah, it's an unconscious thing, when my appetites take over, and when I turn it on. That's kinda why I think about my own awkwardness so much- it's the conscious manifestation of its unconscious opposite. But I think about stuff, and when I lose that consciousness, when I just move without dwelling, when I sprint through the quicksand, I'm kinda good at building myself to be exactly what I know you want me to be (or what I know you don't want me to be, when I'm in the mood for fun). It's not that I'm all that bad as who I am, I'm just good at this, I'm used to it. What I am in more ways than not is the aggregate summation of the opinions of all those who know me. (This isn't the case, I'd say, for people who know me relatively well, but you gotta have seen me in different sitch's- exposure just gives you a full picture like that)

Why am I saying this? I don't earthly know. Maybe I'm ready to be one person at all times for all people. Maybe I know I'll eventually panic and hate myself for writing about this, thus forcing me to write more so people are less likely to read it. But I do like respect. I seem to think about how I'm sometimes not very respected probably to an extent thats disproportionate to the amount of disrespect I get. Then, in the Buddhist way, I acknowledge the problem within myself, and eventually it goes away.

Ya'll mofos really gotta try this self-awareness game.

Personal Issues

2007-05-14T03:32:00.000-04:00

Lets chat, huh? Let's talk philosophy. BLOGGING philosophy. Lets talk what I can talk about. I've learned over some years that only an asshole talks about people he knows on blogs. Cause and effect= I blog, I mention someone's name, that someone calls me an asshole. Sometimes I can swing bonus unrelated people calling me asshole!

But seriously, folks, I GOTTA talk about this one bitch named ###########ascascdffvsd zdfiv fdf ff fgbhfgh ghdgngj df g sd dgfg tried to ruin my life berdfr4f5rt sdsd iug uiu u uiii vby All I did was say 'NO you can't have my penis!' and this is how she reacts?rteryy45654654)(% w3434dfsfgd ii890 9 8&( GP&GA J@ jG 7 hg tempest in a t-back fwrt4 A*Te9-uie9tywhsixck jhfsd tguigfhg fh 5 ntygx hideous cunt elib77k56,b 4gfuvjm nnv b g because of her, I live in a glass house & T^W*Oydscn bfb yusu865uj stone-throwing machine ############ and it just sucks that I can't talk to ANYONE about it. That's why I love having you, blog. Let's make out.

Nah, see, I can't talk about this shit because I know it's not filtered if I do. I want to say what I say when I say what I say, you know? It's stupid how people react and it really disillusioned me toward blogs, which is why I'm having such a hard time with my restart. Anyone want to suggest some topics? I'll just load up and blow em out, so long as they stay away from my soul. You shouldn't let anyone touch you there unless you really like them.

I did really good this weekend at something that is TOTALLY related to what I'm doing here, and it enthused me like heartily. Sparing the deets (SPARE THE DEETS!) I just learned that I'm good at getting through to people if I speak very loudly and very clearly and God dammit, I sure sound like I know what I'm talking about, so who cares if I do?!

Hm.. I just wrote that, and it looks like a paragraph that talks about something that just happened to me IRLLOL but how can that BE?! I don't trust it. And neither should you.

I'm SICK

2007-05-04T21:56:00.000-04:00

SICK SICK SICK of pretenders playing MY GAME. I step away from the field and somebody went and made it the in thing to throw a ball. I've been laying the pipe for over five years now, and I got bored with it. What do I do? When you're in a dry spell, sometimes you have to get wet. I'M GETTIN WET.

Let's try us some shit on and see how it feels---

College is ending and the Titanic is sinking. End of the world, time to lose those rubbers boys. Bare back it til tomorrow cuz there won't be no tomorrow. So you fuck who you want and you do whatever to their whatever and whatever, right? Sucks to me because for the past some like 3 years I've been doing my damnedest to fit myself in the right chastity belt- the girls never said it was tight enough and now they wave their tits in my face like a gimp.

And whatever happened to making a living off of your personality? I'm destined to be a schizophrenic because I have these goals of 'be Derek' and 'make money' but I can't seem to jimmy them into 'be Derek and make money.' And who can't accept a Derek for his Derekliciousness? The women- that's who. I seem to be on this 3 year cycle of 'get screwed by a woman by trying (sometimes succeeding) to screw a woman'--->'hate women'--->'gradually like women again'--->'get screwed.' Bitches Bitches Everywhere and Not a Drop to Fuck.

(hehe, RAGE RAGE against the closing of the vagina)

Who's not in college yet? Show of hands? Good, use those hands as a prophylactic because DAMNED if all my college-defying friends ain't gettin knocked up. Free scholarships to the Florida University of Complimentary Kooters and Ejaculation Dumps for all of em! Lesson One: 'But it feels better without one' is NOT a verse from Scripture.

WHO ISN'T SEEING ME? AM I INVISIBLE? Should I walk closer? One day in ninth grade, I said something to someone, and he laughed. He said 'Pedro (I was calling myself Pedro then) you're a character!' I've been living up to that ever since, along with many spoken labels. I warn you not to get in over your head -- I'm not normally this hyped but DAMMIT I'M ON A MISSION.

Lets see.... what's goin on in the news these days? I've given up on news. For the news to exist, you gotta believe it, and nobody believes everybody and everybody believes nobody, so why shouldn't I too? WHAT MAKES ME SO SPECIAL? I guarantee you there is a person out there who will explain to you in no uncertain terms why i am not fit to walk the earth. Everybody has someone who, if given the rocks and the invisibility and the free time... hoo boy, you just hope that never happens.

I want to know you. Baby, God may smite the man for knowing the other man and God may smite the woman for knowing the other woman but I wanna eat from your apple tree of knowledge. God has blessed us with the knowledge of what is and we know it will send us to hell but damn girl i just wanna know you like your doctor knows you, I wanna know you like what you hide from your doctor. I wanna know you like God knows you. Lets know each other. Do not be afraid- Motts may have the monopoly but when we mix it together our apple sauce will taste just as sweet.

I don't think I made any sense there. I want sex, but I don't really. I just want you to tell me what you won't tell me. WHAT IS THE SECRET? Now look- you made me have to play not nice and make you not know that I made you hand it over to me. JUST BE NICER! How many hours of our life do we spend on the can? It has to add up to at least a year. (I did the math- one year equals about 18 minutes a day- so hopefully you had a lot of good days) Why isn't your conversation proportionate, young lady? BIAS!

AND WHAT IS WITH ALL THE HORNY FUCKERS? I know I was supposed to warn you. I'm sorry! I failed! I was lying when I said I wanted to fuck you. You took me as the example and now I'm shut outside the orgy chamber! Who has the key to let me in? They stuck it WHERE?!

*kiss* Count it.

DAAAAAAAMN Feels good to be home.

Welcome to the Blog

2007-02-16T01:19:00.000-05:00

I need to know what this blog is about if I am to write this, my first real entry. What makes a blog? Whining? An itemized list of the day's activities? Random nude pictures submitted by readers of their ex girlfriends? Sure, all of these can and really are blogs (BTW, I am praying for the day that I see someone I know naked on a blog. If I recognize anyone, rest assured- they will hear about it. Along with their family.)

None of these are me, though. I'm not here to whine like certain friends, or to tell you the events of my life like a christmas card, or even to show off any naked pictures (though don't for a second think I am below doing so if I need to). I'm a fan of blogs, like all things, if they are done right. They know their mission, and they know how to execute.

So what is my mission? My mission is me. My mission is to present my self in full to anyone reading this in as many aspects as I can provide until that person ultimately loses interest in what it is I have to say. So welcome to what is. And cheer up.

Please allow me to introduce myself

2007-02-13T01:12:00.000-05:00

My name is the master and provider. The creator and destroyer. I am and be and always will.

I am Derek. This game is simple.